Friday, January 16, 2009

It's a crazy world

In 3 days, Mark will have been gone from this earthly life for two years. I'm taking the kids to Disneyland, so I won't be able to write on that day. So I was just thinking about that night and what happened. I don't remember a lot of details. I do remember the sounds coming from Mark as he began to breath slower and slower. The sound of his heartbeat as I laid there next to him. The sound of the machine that gave him medicine. The sound of voices from those around me, but none of them distinguishable. But with all those sounds that I can remember, I remember that is seemed so quiet. Maybe that was the peace of the comforter. It's not a memory I like to call up. I don't even remember where Lucas was that night. I don't know if he was in his bed or if someone was watching him. I remember the kids had all gone places earlier in the night. Then somehow I knew, I knew he was dying. I called the kids home. I vaguely remember that they might have been angry with me. They didn't understand why I was calling them home. I know I told them why, but I'm sure it wasn't sinking in yet. I'm not sure I/we had prepared them for what to expect. I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't ready, but I'm not sure we ever are. I wish I could go back and do so many things over again. I wish Mark could talk to me now. He helped me stay calm and level headed. I told him I could do this. I told him I would be fine. I didn't want him to worry about me and the kids. This is not easy. I think I'm doing a pretty good job, but I wish it could be more simple than it is. I'm fine. In fact I'm better than fine, but sometimes I just start thinking and sometimes I just need to put my thoughts down in words for my very own self-help therapy. My just thinking posts are going to be very random sporadic moments where I can just type my thoughts without a whole lot of editing. I think it will be good for me. I will ride "Soarin'" on Monday with the kids in your memory Mark. I think of you often and wish you could answer some heavy questions that are on my mind. I love you.


Stacy said...

This was such a sweet post Marianne. I love the pictures you have been posting. You do look better than fine. I'm happy for you and miss you.