Thursday, January 1, 2009


It's going to be a good one I'm certain.

To those who care, and I'm not really sure who most of you are, but some have asked, this is what I've been up to since my last post. The quick and easy version.

The cruise was awesome. I couldn't have enjoyed myself more. I went with my sister and there were four other friends as well. The six of us had the wildest fun 6 non-drinking righteous women can have. And let me tell you it was fun!!!!

We had a great Christmas. Tons of time playing, relaxing getting together with family and friends. We were lucky enough to see two families from our home back in Draper. LOVED THAT!

Last but not least. Insanely enough I thought maybe it was time to get back into dating. Right out of the starting gate I had a horribly crappy experience!!!!! Gullible and naive me thought that men of this dating age were actually mature, decent adults. Little did I know that scum still exists. It's baffling, but maybe because I have so many amazing people in my life that are honest and kind, I just assumed that most of human kind were that way. You know me, I haven't had enough crap in my life, so I go out and find more. Seriously though, I guess I did learn something valuable. I loved Mark more than life itself. I didn't plan on ever dating again in my life, partly because I didn't believe I had the capacity to love another human being the same way. I learned that my heart still had the ability to feel something. Clearly there wasn't a love to the same degree that I loved Mark, but the fact that my heart was broken, meant I had allowed it to feel again. I also learned that I hadn't grieved about losing my best friend and lover when Mark died. Those things go by the wayside and become so unimportant. I was trying to be strong for Mark, so he wouldn't have to spend his days worrying about our welfare. I was being strong for my kids. Also at that moment in time and since I had complete faith in the atonement and the belief that I will see Mark again, so I only allowed myself to think and do as if all was well. Now, move ahead to meeting someone online. You start talking to this someone. You share things with them. They share things with you. It's comfortable. You feel like you have a friend. You ook forward to talking with someone and sharing thing with them. Then you finally meet in person and still feel comfortable and you feel all silly inside because someone likes you. You want to hold hands. Communication, friendship with a guy and touch is an amazing thing when you've been without it. Having to lose this new found joy in such a cold, abrupt and mean way, just opened the floodgates of grief for me. I was angry with God, angry with Mark, angry with this guy and angry with myself. I know God doesn't MAKE things happen to cause us grief. He does, however, allow natural events to run their courses and sadly His children are hurt in the process. I prayed fervently to understand why I had to cross paths with this human being who has no regard for another. I was angry that God would allow this to happen to me. And all of this comes from one simple thing - SILENCE: the dead stillness of no sound. I'm not sure I will ever understand.

As usual once bucked off, you must dust yourself off and get back upon the horse. I went to a Single Adult New Year's Eve Dance and had a blast. I danced nearly every dance, mainly because I was doing the asking. When I was tired of asking, I'd go dance with the big group of girls who aren't getting asked either. Guys still stand around and don't ask. Are you kidding me? Are we not old enough to stop with all the games? I have to give a few guys credit for having the guts to come ask me to dance.

One of my resolutions is to keep up with my journaling. It is a release for me. I like having my history. I want to do this for me. So many things have happened that I don't remember, and that makes me sad. I resolve to make the time to journal the moments that move me and even some that don't.

So much for my sentence above about the quick and easy version. I guess I had a lot more that needed to get down in words.

Just Me


Anonymous said...

hi. how's it going? Thank you for always sharing whats on your mind. I don't have any words of wisdom or anything sorry but I just wanted you to know I love you. A song came on my ipod the other day that always reminds me of mark and then it reminded me of you. I love Uncle Mark he was such a great guy and I think of him all the time.


Wendy said...

I hope you do keep blogging. I remember many, many years ago- at your house- watching your mom-she would write in her journal every day. She showed me a stack of journals she had filled, and I thought... wow, somebody will be lucky to have all that someday. Everytime someone talks about writing in their journal- I think of her and wish I could be more like that. When I see you doing the same thing as your mom, it inspires me, and I actually have started a blog and wrote in it because of you and your mom, so... THANKS- and pass a big thank you to her also!

Mona said...

Just Me,

You are the best. Marianne I am one of those who care and love reading about your adventures and mishaps because I know you will handle them with grace; as always. Take care of yourself and KEEP POSTING.

Mona Claybaugh, Utah friend.

Stacy said...

You are a brave girl...good to hear from you. Happy New Year!