Thursday, January 19, 2017

10 can it be?

I wanted to write this post the instant I woke but I knew it would be difficult. So in the late hours of this night which are probably closest to when Mark actually left this life, I sit alone and share a small part of what I'm thinking and feeling.

From the moment Mark was gone I counted each day keeping track of how long he had been gone until counting weeks made more sense. Oddly similar to counting the age of a newborn. Every month on the 19th I would ache all over again. After a few years I didn't count by months anymore. The 19th was not a horrible day every month. As a year anniversary would come around I didn't pay too close attention partly because I wanted to focus on the joyous event the day before of Tessa's Birthday. So I admit some of the last few years went by much easier as I focused on birth rather than death. Needless to say, I was caught off guard this year as I was so completely aware of this being the 10th year since Mark has been gone. I will not lie. I thought I had moved past the major grieving. Not because I don't still think about him and love him, because I do still think about him and love him and miss him immensely. I try not to dwell on it everyday, because I try to live a full life while I am here in this mortal world. Which I know Mark wanted me to do. Most of the time I accomplish this task well. Every so often I have a really good pity party. Last night as I watched this video that was put together so lovingly for Mark's funeral, I was thrown back to the grief and heartache of ten years ago as if I was losing him all over again. Completely sobbing at times for all that has been missed and the could have beens if he were still here. But there was also joy and gratitude while watching the video; remembering all those wonderful memories and what an amazing man, husband, father, brother and son he was. I know my last post was a tribute to Mark, so forgive just one more post about this amazing man. I would give anything to have him back again, but I truly feel so grateful and blessed for the time I was lucky enough to have him.

If you want to reminisce about Mark, the video is a great look into his life. It's pretty long but it's a great representation of who Mark was here on earth and still is on the other side.

These kinds of days are hard. They don't come as often, but sometimes I have to check out of the social media when I get too overwhelmed. I'm sorry. I read all you say, but sometimes I just can't reply anymore because it makes me too sad. I absolutely believe I will be with him again. I believe that there are times when he is right here with us. I love that I see bits and pieces of him in each of our four wonderful children! I hope you will indulge me the luxury of sharing this particular photo because this was as perfect a moment as I've ever experienced in my life. I love you Mark!!!