Saturday, June 27, 2009

{june 27, 2009} Time is short.

So, here I sit, just thinking about many different things. On Wednesday, my dear friends little boy was in an accident and he did not survive. The next day as I was driving back home from visiting Utah, I thought continually how short our time can be with the ones we love. I wish there was a way to remember that exact point every second of every day, but unfortunately I don't. I cried for a long time as I thought of their pain, and how intense it must be to have it happen so suddenly. People used to ask me if it was harder or easier to go through the months with Mark being sick, knowing he was going to die, compared to a sudden death. It was hard, very hard, but at least we had talked about many things and did as much as we could with the knowledge that our time was short. For this dear family, he was with them one moment and gone the next. I know their faith is strong and I know they believe in the atonement and that brings peace. However, the grief and pain can be a test some days. It was hard to imagine in the immediate aftermath of Mark's passing that I would ever be happy again. But I am happy! Sure, I still have sad times, like when I visited Mark's grave while visiting Utah. It caught me completely by surprise. I don't believe that's where Mark is, so his grave is just a symbol. Yet, as I walked up to the headstone and saw his name permanently etched with both a beginning and end date to his mortal life, I cried. It's hard to explain the emotion behind those tears, when I don't know exactly myself. I'm not sad for me. I'm not sad for Mark. I most definitely know that he is just fine where he is. My point is that time really does make a difference. You never stop loving the people you lose, but you are able to keep living. That's what they want for us. They don't want us to be miserably sad the rest of our mortal lives. My friends were able to donate vital organs from their son to other children. I'm sure that was a difficult thing, yet to think of the increased hope of survival and a better life for those other children had to bring some comfort to my friends. Where one life is taken, others might be saved.

I think the thing that triggers my tears is that I'm sad for my kids. I've thought a lot about this lately. They are strong and I know they are going to be fine, but I struggle with how to manage all the things that will come their/our way. I don't want them to forget about their dad or not know about him and his life. Especially now that I'm dating. At some point I will likely get married, whether it's to this man or someone else. So how do I bring another man into my life and my kids life and yet still share with my children everything about Mark they need and want to know. It's a much different situation when you are widowed rather than divorced, because I still have a very loving and close relationship with Mark's family and always will. I will always think of Mark with much love and devotion. So take all that and now add a new man. I have very strong feelings for this man I'm dating. I hope it will continue on to something more serious, but even saying that is hard, because it seems that by saying that it means my love for Mark is leaving. Yet I know it isn't, but how is that possible? How can I still love Mark and now love another man. Most days I don't think about it so hard, I just let things take there course. I constantly find myself in a state of wondering, "just how did I get right here where I am with all the blessings and trials, and how on earth am I going to keep going and survive it all." Then Lucas asks for another Graham cracker, Tessa asks if she can go play with her friends and Chase and Patrick tease me for the hundredth time; and suddenly I'm distracted from my deep thinking and I get back to LIFE.

Which, by the way, reminds me, I'm totally behind on my {365} pictures and journaling. I have nearly all the pictures for the last month and a half, but for some reason I keep putting off doing the journaling. That's one of my top priorities next to getting my pool fixed. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!