{june 27, 2009} Time is short.

~saturday~
So, here I sit, just thinking about many different things. On Wednesday, my dear friends little boy was in an accident and he did not survive. The next day as I was driving back home from visiting Utah, I thought continually how short our time can be with the ones we love. I wish there was a way to remember that exact point every second of every day, but unfortunately I don't. I cried for a long time as I thought of their pain, and how intense it must be to have it happen so suddenly. People used to ask me if it was harder or easier to go through the months with Mark being sick, knowing he was going to die, compared to a sudden death. It was hard, very hard, but at least we had talked about many things and did as much as we could with the knowledge that our time was short. For this dear family, he was with them one moment and gone the next. I know their faith is strong and I know they believe in the atonement and that brings peace. However, the grief and pain can be a test some days. It was hard to imagine in the immediate aftermath of Mark's passing that I would ever be happy again. But I am happy! Sure, I still have sad times, like when I visited Mark's grave while visiting Utah. It caught me completely by surprise. I don't believe that's where Mark is, so his grave is just a symbol. Yet, as I walked up to the headstone and saw his name permanently etched with both a beginning and end date to his mortal life, I cried. It's hard to explain the emotion behind those tears, when I don't know exactly myself. I'm not sad for me. I'm not sad for Mark. I most definitely know that he is just fine where he is. My point is that time really does make a difference. You never stop loving the people you lose, but you are able to keep living. That's what they want for us. They don't want us to be miserably sad the rest of our mortal lives. My friends were able to donate vital organs from their son to other children. I'm sure that was a difficult thing, yet to think of the increased hope of survival and a better life for those other children had to bring some comfort to my friends. Where one life is taken, others might be saved.

I think the thing that triggers my tears is that I'm sad for my kids. I've thought a lot about this lately. They are strong and I know they are going to be fine, but I struggle with how to manage all the things that will come their/our way. I don't want them to forget about their dad or not know about him and his life. Especially now that I'm dating. At some point I will likely get married, whether it's to this man or someone else. So how do I bring another man into my life and my kids life and yet still share with my children everything about Mark they need and want to know. It's a much different situation when you are widowed rather than divorced, because I still have a very loving and close relationship with Mark's family and always will. I will always think of Mark with much love and devotion. So take all that and now add a new man. I have very strong feelings for this man I'm dating. I hope it will continue on to something more serious, but even saying that is hard, because it seems that by saying that it means my love for Mark is leaving. Yet I know it isn't, but how is that possible? How can I still love Mark and now love another man. Most days I don't think about it so hard, I just let things take there course. I constantly find myself in a state of wondering, "just how did I get right here where I am with all the blessings and trials, and how on earth am I going to keep going and survive it all." Then Lucas asks for another Graham cracker, Tessa asks if she can go play with her friends and Chase and Patrick tease me for the hundredth time; and suddenly I'm distracted from my deep thinking and I get back to LIFE.

Which, by the way, reminds me, I'm totally behind on my {365} pictures and journaling. I have nearly all the pictures for the last month and a half, but for some reason I keep putting off doing the journaling. That's one of my top priorities next to getting my pool fixed. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

{week of apr. 27 - may 3}

sunday, may 3, 2009

Chase had tried to fish a little yesterday with no luck. He tried again this morning with no luck still. I've noticed for myself that fishing isn't always about catching fish. You put in the work and the effort with HOPE that you will catch a fish. Sometimes we have to go back again and again before we catch one. And the joy when we do catch one is thrilling. The best thing about this day was waking up to the beauty, peace and stillness of nature and then following that up with the beauty, peace and stillness of the spirit. Correlation = aren't we supposed to be "fishers of men?" Don't we need/want to keep trying again and again never giving up HOPE that we will bring someone to the truth and light of the gospel. Just Thinking.

saturday, may 2, 2009

Went camping for a quick over-nighter at Lynx Lake in Prescott, AZ. Ate yummy steaks and potato salad. Went for a night hike around the lake. Taunted some poor lake birds. Sat by the fire. Roasted marshmallows. Had such a fun and relaxing time.

friday, may 1, 2009

Tonight Doug and I went to celebrate the birthday of our friend Emily. When we arrived at their house for a BBQ we were introduced to the newest members of their family. Hailey and Comet (left to right, girl and boy.) They were the sweetest little things. So new. They were shy, but curious at the same time. Our friends have only been married a few months. I hope adding puppies is a good thing. They already seemed like lots of work while we were there. Of course it made me "puppy hungry," but as I watched them spend so much time taking care of them, I also remembered why I don't want a dog. My poor kids - they suffer because of me.

thursday, april 30, 2009

Isn't he cute? No really, isn't he beautiful. I saw him from my upstairs window. Darting from a large Purple Lantana, across the driveway and up toward the front door. I grabbed my camera and raced downstairs. I couldn't believe my luck when I opened the door and there he sat emerging from the Yellow Lantana near my front door. I literally had seconds to snap this picture before he was gone.

wednesday, april 29, 2009

Seriously????? We've already gone through two nesting's on the vent from our fireplace of presumably the same pair of morning doves. There was a picture of the first nest back in March when the babies where only days from leaving the nest. On the 14th of April I have another picture of the pair on a nest on the vent. When the second set of babies had flown I took down the nesting materials and pulled up the chicken wire so it wasn't a nice little scooped out place to build a nest. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I love wildlife and nature and watching this miracle is fun and educational, but the mess right in the middle of my back porch is not my favorite, thus the attempt at deterring another nest on the vent. Well I succeeded in preventing that location, so they moved just a few feet down the porch onto my nice soft towels on the rack near the pool. Lovely. Third time in 3 months!? Maybe, hopefully, this is not the same couple. Oh well, we'll be the proud family of two more baby morning doves in a few weeks time.

tuesday, april 28, 2009

Tess and I had a "date night" tonight. We went to one of those places where you pick out a ceramic piece of your choice and paint it, leave it for a few days for them to fire it and then whaalaa - how do you spell that ? - you pick up a glossy finished absolutely beautiful work of art to take home. We painted it together and had such a nice night together. Someday, this incredible daughter of mine, will be wanting to spend her free time going on dates with boys instead of her old mom. I'm so grateful for a few more years.

monday, april 27, 2009

Sometimes I'm grasping for a POTD. This would be one of those, and yet it's the cute simple pictures and happenings that we so easily forget. Lucas really wanted me to get a picture of what's inside his mouth, and as soon as I took it, he wanted to see it. He's fascinated with pictures of himself. Therefore, he still wants to have his picture taken. This phenomenon might not last too much longer, so I take full advantage of it.

{week of apr. 6 - apr. 12}

sunday, april 12, 2009

Easter - When I think, on this day specifically, just what the Savior did for me, I feel humbled at His grace, mercy and love for me. I look at my children's faces and realize that no matter what choices they make in life I love them with every inch of my being. If I have that kind of love for them, I can't even begin to imagine the depth of love our Father in Heaven and elder brother Jesus Christ have for us. I wish I could remember this point every second of every day, because then I'm sure I wouldn't make so many mistakes. The beauty of it all is knowing that because of Christ's atonement I can always repent for my mistakes - big or small.

saturday, april 11, 2009

We had two Easter Egg Hunts today. One at the church with a Break-the-fast breakfast for our wards 40 day fast. The other we had later at our house while there was a small break in the rain. We had brat's and burgers. It was a really fun day.

friday, april 10, 2009

Lot's of just thinking going on this week in pictures. It's been almost two years since I made one of the most difficult decisions in my life. I knew then and I still know that it was the right decision. I know that both Patrick and myself have learned a great deal about ourselves and grown in many ways. I know that I was able to be a better mother to the other three than I otherwise would have been. I know that our relationship, mine and Patrick's, is so much stronger than it might have been. It's hard to think that I basically had to turn over the responsibilities as a parent, but I know without a doubt that I did the best thing I could do for Patrick, Me and the other kids. I am positive that we as an entire family would not be in as good a place emotionally if I hadn't made the choice I made two years ago. Here's to HOPE - hope for an amazing future ahead for our family.

thursday, april 9, 2009

A huge group of us (about 24) met on the lawn in front of the Visitor's Center for the Mesa LDS Temple. Every year hundreds of volunteers put on this wonderful pageant before Easter called Jesus the Christ. Before the pageant starts the actors come out and meet and talk with the audience. When Lucas saw this particular actor (who was John the Baptist,) he pointed and said, "Mom, it's Jesus."

wednesday, april 8, 2009

This is a problem...and I don't know what to do? Oh yeah, call a sprinkler expert to come and fix the whole system for a bucket load of money. I know this is part of being a home owner, but can I just give a primal yell of aggravation anyway?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

At least now it's all fixed, and I'll soon forget the pain to my pocket book.

tuesday, april 7, 2009

This is a funny story. A year ago I had to replace my windshield, and about one week later a rock hit my brand new windshield. Funny...right? The crack stayed small and contained in the upper right corner, without growing, for ten months. One day when Doug was with me, he said, "I can force the end of that crack to go up to the top so it won't continue across the front of the whole windshield." So he proceeded by putting just the right amount of pressure in the right spot so the crack would head straight to the top. Guess what the crack did instead? It zoomed straight left across the middle. He tried one more time because it wasn't in front of the driver's side yet, but it just leaped right past the new pressure point and well now you see why I have a new windshield. I think it's hilarious. We hadn't been dating very long when this happened, so he felt awful, but I just laughed.

monday, april 6, 2009

I took this picture, because it still never ceases to amaze me that both of these two boys are my sons. One older, ready to take on the world and become his own man. He graduates in a little over a month and will be off to college next fall. The other other one, young and still needing his mama in many ways to help him along the way even though he often tells me, "I tan do it." Then you put the two other children in the middle with their varying needs, and WOW! What an amazing and varied life I'm blessed to lead. I see Patrick and think, "I've come so far, and grown and changed." But then I look at Lucas and think, "I've got so far to go; so many improvements to make and lessons to learn." It's strange how it seems like just yesterday that Patrick, our first little toddler, learning and growing and needing us so much; in the blink of an eye, has grown up and is going off to find his own way in the world. He is still learning and growing and, yes, in many ways still needs us; but it is different now. Good, but different. I'm so excited for what lies ahead for Patrick. There's so much self discovery during this time in his life. My prayers for his success and happiness will never change. I guess this specific picture got me just thinking.

Just so you know! or This isn't fair! - couldn't decide on perfect title

Just so you know, I try not to say "this isn't fair," but sometimes I can't help it. I was just looking at some different photos of friends and reading about some others adventures on Facebook, and you know what I saw. Happy couples with their kids smiling and living life. Going on family vacations. Doing things with other couples. Maybe some of them some of the time are taking each other for granted or maybe a lot of the time they honor, cherish and adore each other. My life like that is gone, and right this minute I'm just thinking, "THIS ISN'T FAIR." I want it back, all of it. I don't want to be where I am. This is hard and lonely. I'm sad, and you know this dating thing well, it's not really all that fun. There's baggage. Both sides have baggage. Baggage doesn't mean bad. My baggage would be defined as four kids (good, not bad), I am a widow (good, not bad) and I had a great husband (good, not bad.) None of these things are bad, but when another person is looking, four kids might just be too much. Being a widow means I'm already happily sealed for eternity, and most men are looking for someone they can be happily sealed to for eternity. Having had an incredible, loving friend as a husband means the men aren't sure they're going to measure up. Now I'm not saying I don't have any "bad" baggage, but of course I'm not going to throw it all out there for everyone. Now of course we haven't even talked about the baggage that dating prospects hold, and likewise they have good and bad baggage. Well trying to find two people that can meld all the good and bad is darn near impossible. Now I know ya'll are thinking. "Seriously? You've just gotten back into dating. Where is all this coming from?" Well let me tell you, I've just been thinking an awful lot about this. I've watched people I know go through it, and I've been talking to lots of guys that are twice divorced now, because they all thought they could get past the baggage they both brought to the second marriage. That didn't happen, and now they're out looking for someone else. I know that all this searching and finding the right one takes time and patience, but what does that really mean - "the right one." If I already had "the right one," then what the heck do you call what I'm looking for now - "the okay one" or "the other right one?"

SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!??????????? (I know one exclamation point and question mark are all you need, but this illustrates how my face is looking when I ask this question.)

Sorry, I usually don't do this, but when I was looking at all those happy couples I just lost it, and all I know is right this minute it just doesn't seem fair. Every other minute of the day, I don't feel this way. I'm strong and realistic and I know that others have crap they have to deal with that I would never want. During those other minutes I'm actually grateful for my life and how I've been blessed. But right now I'm having a major pity party for myself, and this is where I let it all out.

I know I was lucky to have had a great marriage for 18 years. I know I was lucky to be loved like I was loved by Mark. I know I'm lucky to have four amazing kids because of that marriage and love. I know I'm lucky to have an incredible family both mine and Mark's that love and support me. I know I'm lucky to have the most amazing friends, that also love and support me. There's more I know it. I'm not ungrateful! I also know that nothing is FAIR! But...then...after my ranting and my anger subside, I know that my Father in Heaven is still there. He still loves me, and I know that with His help, I will make it.

Wow...I'm not even going to reread this one...I'd probably end up deleting half of it. So you get the raw, uncut version.

It's a crazy world

In 3 days, Mark will have been gone from this earthly life for two years. I'm taking the kids to Disneyland, so I won't be able to write on that day. So I was just thinking about that night and what happened. I don't remember a lot of details. I do remember the sounds coming from Mark as he began to breath slower and slower. The sound of his heartbeat as I laid there next to him. The sound of the machine that gave him medicine. The sound of voices from those around me, but none of them distinguishable. But with all those sounds that I can remember, I remember that is seemed so quiet. Maybe that was the peace of the comforter. It's not a memory I like to call up. I don't even remember where Lucas was that night. I don't know if he was in his bed or if someone was watching him. I remember the kids had all gone places earlier in the night. Then somehow I knew, I knew he was dying. I called the kids home. I vaguely remember that they might have been angry with me. They didn't understand why I was calling them home. I know I told them why, but I'm sure it wasn't sinking in yet. I'm not sure I/we had prepared them for what to expect. I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't ready, but I'm not sure we ever are. I wish I could go back and do so many things over again. I wish Mark could talk to me now. He helped me stay calm and level headed. I told him I could do this. I told him I would be fine. I didn't want him to worry about me and the kids. This is not easy. I think I'm doing a pretty good job, but I wish it could be more simple than it is. I'm fine. In fact I'm better than fine, but sometimes I just start thinking and sometimes I just need to put my thoughts down in words for my very own self-help therapy. My just thinking posts are going to be very random sporadic moments where I can just type my thoughts without a whole lot of editing. I think it will be good for me. I will ride "Soarin'" on Monday with the kids in your memory Mark. I think of you often and wish you could answer some heavy questions that are on my mind. I love you.