Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy Easter!

So, today is Easter and my birthday. Very strange. I'm certain that's never happened before. I'm sitting in a hotel in Montana. I just got back from eating dinner by myself at Applebees. It was very yummy. I took my time eating and enjoying my food. I also noticed many people glancing my way. I'm sure they were wondering why a lone woman would be out to dinner by herself on Easter. I found it very amusing. I had a very nice meal and I came back to the hotel to pig out on my Blondie Brownie Sundae. They are so good. Tomorrow I'll see Patrick. I'm so looking forward to seeing him. After the parent conference workshop days, Patrick will be able to come with me for the weekend. We are both excited for this time together. He has just advanced to Sun Clan, which he was able to call and tell me about on Saturday. I could tell he was very proud of his accomplishment. I was very happy for him as well.

Much has been happening for me, and I'm not doing a very good job at recording it. I think that part of the roadblock for me comes from the fact that my journal is public. I like that it's public, because I hope that by sharing I might be helping someone else. I know I like to know that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. Every time someone writes to me or calls me and relates to something I've written, it makes me feel normal. Maybe it makes them feel normal too. On the other hand, because this is so public, I don't share because I'm afraid of what people will think, or that they'll misinterpret what I'm saying.

I have made a big decision with the kids over the last couple of months. We have just put our house on the market. I'm going to move to Arizona. I'm very excited for the move. We pondered and prayed about it and we felt it was the right thing for us. My sister's family and my mom and dad both live there. My sister is my best friend next to Mark, so I think it's a good thing. I didn't want to make the move if the kids were going to be upset about it, but they are on board and excited too. We are sad to leave all our sweet family and all our wonderful friends. I'd like to share a quote about losing your spouse from the book I've been reading called "Widow to Widow."

----"I used to have a Psychology Professor who periodically punctuated his explanations of the human condition with "Nothing is forever." No one knows that better than the widow, because suddenly nothing is the same. Change comes with a jolt and a crash, and like an earthquake, never quite settles back into its original place."----

Even though I do believe in a FOREVER, in this mortal life the above statement is so profoundly true. Our life has been shaken and jolted and it will never settle back to its original place. I have to make a life now for me and the kids that works for me and them. This doesn't mean I won't continue to think about Mark everyday of my life and wish upon every star that I might see him in my dreams or feel his presence, but I do have to live now without him. He and I had discussed this very possibility. He had asked me what I would do when he was gone. Would I stay in this house forever? Would I pay it off? Would I downsize? Would I move to Arizona? I told him that I might move there someday, when the kids were older. He sort of figured I would, and thought it was a wise decision. I know that I have felt his support as well as the Lord's in making this decision.

This might be the other reason that I don't journal very often. Every time I do, I'm writing an epistle. I'm so exhausted that I can't imagine sitting down again and doing this tomorrow. Maybe I need to focus on some of the lighter stuff. I really need to write down more of the great stuff that the kids are doing. They are so amazing. I know Mark is very proud of all they are doing. Till next time. Hopefully it's sooner than later. :)

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Welcome to My Blog

It took me forever! That's the perfectionist in me, but I'm happy with it. I still want to catch up on everything that's happened over the last couple of months. There's some pretty important stuff I want to remember, but once I posted the scrapbook album, I just couldn't do it. I posted a few things earlier on this site before I had it up and running. (see below)

A lot of things have been much harder now that I'm in the second year without Mark. I'm not even sure how to put it into words. It's kind of like I'm self destructing. I'm not getting enough sleep. I'm having horrible dreams. I'm not really eating very good. I've got a million things I feel like I need and want to do, but I'm only doing the absolute necessities. My kids are my top priority. I'm trying to be a good mom, but for every good thing I do I can easily find something at which I'm failing. I'm really good at that. I'm working on it. I'm too tired to keep writing. My brain can't stay focused.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

"Fwo Fwup" and "Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho"

Back in November, a friend of mine who graduated in Speech Pathology, suggested that I might want to have Lucas' hearing tested, because he wasn't saying very many words. Now I knew he was behind, but with everything else, I just hadn't been overly worried. He might not have had very many coherant words, but he talked up a storm of his very own made up language. While I was waiting for the testing, I was working harder with Lucas and he had already started to add more words. He passed all of the hearing tests, so they set up a speech therapist to come work with Lucas every other week. She has only come 5 times, and she's sad because he's doing so great that she won't need to keep coming.

That was a little background for you/journaling for myself. So now he's talking all the time, and most things are very clear. Tonight however he kept saying "fwo fwup." Chase and I were both baffled. We had sat down to eat, so I looked at everything to try and figure out what could be "fwo fwup," but to no avail. We moved on to eating and he forgot about whatever it was. When we were finished eating, I told the kids that as soon as the dishes were done and they finished the last bit of homework, we could watch a half hour of the new "Sponge Bob Square Pants" cartoon. At that announcement, Lucas shouted with pure joy, "FWO FWUP!" How Sponge Bob equals Fwo Fwup I have no idea, but both Lucas and the rest of us couldn't have been more excited to be understanding each other.

Lucas also came walking up the stairs later this evening saying "ho, ho, ho." Of course I thought he must have found something resembling a Santa Clause, but for the life of me, I couldn't imagine anything we had that would appear to be a Jolly Old St. Nick. When he appeared at the landing with a pirate ship, I was floored. He was singing, "ho, ho...ho, ho. (a pirates life for me)." Now I know we've been to Disneyland and Lucas has watched the Pirates of the Carribean movies, but he was only 20 months at our last trip to Disneyland and they really don't sing that song in the Pirates movies all that much. Needless to say, it was the cutest thing as he sailed that little ship (from Chase's nautical room) through the air saying, "ho, ho...ho, ho" over and over. We all went down and got out the boxed up Playmobile pirate island and pirate ship, and played pirates together before bedtime. It was really fun. It brought back some great memories for me. Patrick received the pirate island for Christmas from his Grandpa Ray back when we were at Stanford. I remember and have pictures of Mark, Gpa Ray and Patrick putting all the pieces together (and there's lots of tiny intricate pieces.)

I'm on a roll so I better not stop. I went with my dear friend Mary Ann to see the movie "The Other Bolyn Girl." It was surprisingly heavy, and emotionally packed. I am intrigued to learn more about this story in history. If what the movie portrayed is true, it was a such a tragic tale. It's hard to imagine that kind of plotting and manipulation to get gain in society. Oh wait, I guess it's not that hard to imagine given our world and the justifications of pretty much anyone in power. I would still choose to be living now rather than in that time period however. I was pretty emotional the rest of the day. I'm not sure why it affected me this way.