Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Happy 50th Mark

Over the last while, I've seen many of our friends celebrate turning 50. I will be turning 50 soon as well. I often don't do much publicly or outwardly on special dates for Mark. I usually quietly contemplate within and spend the day a little more somberly.

Today Mark would be 50!
Happy Birthday

Being married and having a husband here by my side makes it difficult sometimes. I never want to hurt him by remembering Mark. He is very supportive of remembering Mark, especially for the kids. Sometimes it may just be me and my worrying heart. I never want to purposely hurt anyone or make them feel bad.

Today it's very sad to me that he is not here. I'm sad that the kids don't have their selfless, loving, caring father to talk with, joke with and to be able to give a big hug. I'm sad that they can't talk to him and share all the wonderful or sometimes hard things they are going through. He was the best listener. I remember so many times just observing him at family, friend neighborhood or church gatherings asking others about their life {work, relationships, school, successes, trials}. He never wanted to talk about himself. He wanted to hear all about you though. It never ceased to amaze me. He loved his children. I hope they remember how much he loved them. They were his life. I can hardly think of a time he missed anything they did whether it was at school, with sports, scouts, etc. He was so kind and thoughtful of others. He would do anything for anyone. When I look at his face in this picture I feel that it perfectly depicts who Mark was as a father, husband, son, brother, friend and co-worker, and the joy and happiness he had in his life.

I am grateful that because of Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father, we will see Mark again.

22 Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: 
he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.    ~Psalms 55:22


Tuesday, October 25, 2016

{october 25, 2016}

I have been prompted to start writing on my blog again more times than I care to admit. At least three times over the years I have entered a new post, only to leave it sitting there in "draft" mode. I don't claim to have profound knowledge or sage advice, but I feel I have a voice that was meant to be shared. So if I publish this post (and maybe that's what I'm most afraid of) then I have to be committed to it.

Most people who will read this, know my history. For those who don't know, you can read my past story by following this link {our cancer story}

Much...and I mean MUCH...has happened since then. I tried to explain one other time how different and difficult it is to write about life now as compared to when we were going through cancer, dealing with Mark's death and the struggles that the children and I went through as we picked ourselves up and tried to push forward. During the moving forward it didn't seem easy to share. I was afraid of sharing things that would hurt someone else or seem to be begging for sympathies. I didn't want sympathy or criticism. I've always been afraid of what others think of me, and moving forward was scary. Maybe I'm growing up. Some of the moving forward was messy. A lot of it was painful. Much of it seemed impossible. Yet here we are (I am), doing pretty amazing if I may say; still living, still enduring and happy despite the trials.

I will mostly be moving forward from this point in my life, but there will be times I go back and address some experiences, because it will be necessary to understand where I am now. This is my story, my history and I write it for me. If someone else enjoys it then I'm glad, but I need to write because I cannot ignore the prompting.