Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Just so you know! or This isn't fair! - couldn't decide on perfect title

Just so you know, I try not to say "this isn't fair," but sometimes I can't help it. I was just looking at some different photos of friends and reading about some others adventures on Facebook, and you know what I saw. Happy couples with their kids smiling and living life. Going on family vacations. Doing things with other couples. Maybe some of them some of the time are taking each other for granted or maybe a lot of the time they honor, cherish and adore each other. My life like that is gone, and right this minute I'm just thinking, "THIS ISN'T FAIR." I want it back, all of it. I don't want to be where I am. This is hard and lonely. I'm sad, and you know this dating thing well, it's not really all that fun. There's baggage. Both sides have baggage. Baggage doesn't mean bad. My baggage would be defined as four kids (good, not bad), I am a widow (good, not bad) and I had a great husband (good, not bad.) None of these things are bad, but when another person is looking, four kids might just be too much. Being a widow means I'm already happily sealed for eternity, and most men are looking for someone they can be happily sealed to for eternity. Having had an incredible, loving friend as a husband means the men aren't sure they're going to measure up. Now I'm not saying I don't have any "bad" baggage, but of course I'm not going to throw it all out there for everyone. Now of course we haven't even talked about the baggage that dating prospects hold, and likewise they have good and bad baggage. Well trying to find two people that can meld all the good and bad is darn near impossible. Now I know ya'll are thinking. "Seriously? You've just gotten back into dating. Where is all this coming from?" Well let me tell you, I've just been thinking an awful lot about this. I've watched people I know go through it, and I've been talking to lots of guys that are twice divorced now, because they all thought they could get past the baggage they both brought to the second marriage. That didn't happen, and now they're out looking for someone else. I know that all this searching and finding the right one takes time and patience, but what does that really mean - "the right one." If I already had "the right one," then what the heck do you call what I'm looking for now - "the okay one" or "the other right one?"

SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!??????????? (I know one exclamation point and question mark are all you need, but this illustrates how my face is looking when I ask this question.)

Sorry, I usually don't do this, but when I was looking at all those happy couples I just lost it, and all I know is right this minute it just doesn't seem fair. Every other minute of the day, I don't feel this way. I'm strong and realistic and I know that others have crap they have to deal with that I would never want. During those other minutes I'm actually grateful for my life and how I've been blessed. But right now I'm having a major pity party for myself, and this is where I let it all out.

I know I was lucky to have had a great marriage for 18 years. I know I was lucky to be loved like I was loved by Mark. I know I'm lucky to have four amazing kids because of that marriage and love. I know I'm lucky to have an incredible family both mine and Mark's that love and support me. I know I'm lucky to have the most amazing friends, that also love and support me. There's more I know it. I'm not ungrateful! I also know that nothing is FAIR! But...then...after my ranting and my anger subside, I know that my Father in Heaven is still there. He still loves me, and I know that with His help, I will make it.

Wow...I'm not even going to reread this one...I'd probably end up deleting half of it. So you get the raw, uncut version.


Anonymous said...

I like raw and uncut versions myself.

The whole dating scene sounds like a major headache. your right there is so much baggage that comes with everyone...whether it is good/bad. It's still baggage.

of course I'm not in your shoes. So I don't know how sucky it all probably feels. but just know I got your back and I think you are a wonderful person.

Anonymous said...


you are a breath of fresh air. thank you for talking straight from your heart.........your words help me more than you will ever know.

barb h

Anonymous said...

Marianne...i think you are awesome and the right person will come along that will bless you and your children!! I know that. It happened to my mom when I was around 11 years old. I pray that the Lord will sustain you and your sweet children! Thank you for your words, your honest words...you are helping people that you don't even know about!!

Anonymous said...

Don't let the pictures make you doubt yourself. Sometimes pictures can be misleading. Everyone has a story. I admire you for your inspirational wisdom, courage, spirituality and determination to keep your family strong. I have been touched by your writing. You have brought me to tears many times. You and Mark have what others only dream about.

-- A Friend

Anonymous said...

You have great personal insight. If definitely isn't fair. I'm glad you trust and love your friends and family enough to share these things.

You're loved.

Thomas Family said...

Remember...most of what you see and/or read is the presentation. Everyone has the good and the bad. Hang in there, I think you are courageous for getting back in the whole "dating" game and you are active and having a great time. Keep it up! It is supposed to all work out in the end, right!


Rob said...

You are my inspiration, thanks for being so honest and open, for sharing your heart. I think about you and your family every day. ...and you are amazing! Love ya, Robyn

Anonymous said...

Marianne, I sense the hesitation of a true love causing some unfairness upon you. Please press on. That true Love understands and knows you will be just fine. It's okay to love again. Although it can never replace the first, I'm sure your vows can be honored completely. Be Happy!!!!!!