10 years....how can it be?

I wanted to write this post the instant I woke but I knew it would be difficult. So in the late hours of this night which are probably closest to when Mark actually left this life, I sit alone and share a small part of what I'm thinking and feeling.

From the moment Mark was gone I counted each day keeping track of how long he had been gone until counting weeks made more sense. Oddly similar to counting the age of a newborn. Every month on the 19th I would ache all over again. After a few years I didn't count by months anymore. The 19th was not a horrible day every month. As a year anniversary would come around I didn't pay too close attention partly because I wanted to focus on the joyous event the day before of Tessa's Birthday. So I admit some of the last few years went by much easier as I focused on birth rather than death. Needless to say, I was caught off guard this year as I was so completely aware of this being the 10th year since Mark has been gone. I will not lie. I thought I had moved past the major grieving. Not because I don't still think about him and love him, because I do still think about him and love him and miss him immensely. I try not to dwell on it everyday, because I try to live a full life while I am here in this mortal world. Which I know Mark wanted me to do. Most of the time I accomplish this task well. Every so often I have a really good pity party. Last night as I watched this video that was put together so lovingly for Mark's funeral, I was thrown back to the grief and heartache of ten years ago as if I was losing him all over again. Completely sobbing at times for all that has been missed and the could have beens if he were still here. But there was also joy and gratitude while watching the video; remembering all those wonderful memories and what an amazing man, husband, father, brother and son he was. I know my last post was a tribute to Mark, so forgive just one more post about this amazing man. I would give anything to have him back again, but I truly feel so grateful and blessed for the time I was lucky enough to have him.

If you want to reminisce about Mark, the video is a great look into his life. It's pretty long but it's a great representation of who Mark was here on earth and still is on the other side.

These kinds of days are hard. They don't come as often, but sometimes I have to check out of the social media when I get too overwhelmed. I'm sorry. I read all you say, but sometimes I just can't reply anymore because it makes me too sad. I absolutely believe I will be with him again. I believe that there are times when he is right here with us. I love that I see bits and pieces of him in each of our four wonderful children! I hope you will indulge me the luxury of sharing this particular photo because this was as perfect a moment as I've ever experienced in my life. I love you Mark!!!

Happy 50th Mark

Over the last while, I've seen many of our friends celebrate turning 50. I will be turning 50 soon as well. I often don't do much publicly or outwardly on special dates for Mark. I usually quietly contemplate within and spend the day a little more somberly.

Today Mark would be 50!

Happy Birthday

Being married and having a husband here by my side makes it difficult sometimes. I never want to hurt him by remembering Mark. He is very supportive of remembering Mark, especially for the kids. Sometimes it may just be me and my worrying heart. I never want to purposely hurt anyone or make them feel bad.

Today it's very sad to me that he is not here. I'm sad that the kids don't have their selfless, loving, caring father to talk with, joke with and to be able to give a big hug. I'm sad that they can't talk to him and share all the wonderful or sometimes hard things they are going through. He was the best listener. I remember so many times just observing him at family, friend neighborhood or church gatherings asking others about their life {work, relationships, school, successes, trials}. He never wanted to talk about himself. He wanted to hear all about you though. It never ceased to amaze me. He loved his children. I hope they remember how much he loved them. They were his life. I can hardly think of a time he missed anything they did whether it was at school, with sports, scouts, etc. He was so kind and thoughtful of others. He would do anything for anyone. When I look at his face in this picture I feel that it perfectly depicts who Mark was as a father, husband, son, brother, friend and co-worker, and the joy and happiness he had in his life.

I am grateful that because of Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father, we will see Mark again.

22 Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: 

he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.    ~Psalms 55:22

#LighttheWorld

{october 25, 2016}

I have been prompted to start writing on my blog again more times than I care to admit. At least three times over the years I have entered a new post, only to leave it sitting there in "draft" mode. I don't claim to have profound knowledge or sage advice, but I feel I have a voice that was meant to be shared. So if I publish this post (and maybe that's what I'm most afraid of) then I have to be committed to it.

Most people who will read this, know my history. For those who don't know, you can read my past story by following this link {our cancer story}. 

Much...and I mean MUCH...has happened since then. I tried to explain one other time how different and difficult it is to write about life now as compared to when we were going through cancer, dealing with Mark's death and the struggles that the children and I went through as we picked ourselves up and tried to push forward. During the moving forward it didn't seem easy to share. I was afraid of sharing things that would hurt someone else or seem to be begging for sympathies. I didn't want sympathy or criticism. I've always been afraid of what others think of me, and moving forward was scary. Maybe I'm growing up. Some of the moving forward was messy. A lot of it was painful. Much of it seemed impossible. Yet here we are (I am), doing pretty amazing if I may say; still living, still enduring and happy despite the trials.

I will mostly be moving forward from this point in my life, but there will be times I go back and address some experiences, because it will be necessary to understand where I am now. This is my story, my history and I write it for me. If someone else enjoys it then I'm glad, but I need to write because I cannot ignore the prompting.

~12.14.2010~

tuesday

There's just something different about posting now. When we started this blog it was an update and info blog of what was happening in our life of CANCER. Then it became my musings, or whatever you may call them, about how life goes on after someone you love has died. Now I struggle with wanting to tell it like it is, but feeling like I can't. I don't really know how to explain it. I guess it's kind of like writing one's life story after it's all over compared to sharing all the nitty gritty details in the here and now.

So in follow up to the post from 10.6.2010, that I just now put on here...Yes...Depression, an ugly word that I didn't want to put as a label on myself. And yet, I did want something, some kind of answer that could help me understand why I just can't seem to become the person I know I can be. It's hard when people tell you you're strong but you feel so weak. I felt like I needed to be some kind of Super Woman, but I felt like I was struggling to get by every day, and it wasn't getting better. It was getting worse. I tried some medication, but it was a bad mix with my chemical make up. The good news is that I think it gave my mind a Reboot, so to speak. Things haven't turned around 100% but things are looking up.

The main reason I wanted to post today was because a dear friend sent me an email today with a link to this letter. I absolutely love the message this gives to everyone, but especially women. We are so hard on ourselves. Me included. The other day I was having a particularly bad day. Giving myself a pretty good beating from the time I woke up. When I saw my little bowl of Dove Milk Chocolates, I knew I needed one of those delectable treats, because chocolate is always the answer. Well I tossed the wrapper in the garbage not feeling like looking at the cute little feel good quote, but then I couldn't help myself and grabbed it back out.



Thanks...Kathy from TN! I needed that. Life has been tough. Life is tough. Others lives have been tough and are tough. We just have to keep going. Never give up. It's okay to have a bad day every now and then, and give yourself a break. But we can't give up because one day...okay sometimes 2, 5, or 30 days are bad. We have to pick ourselves up, get out of bed, put on a smile- and some clothes :), and tell ourselves that tomorrow is a new day! Never give up! Try,try again!

~Endure to the end.~

That is the one thing I will give myself credit for...I haven't stopped trying, and for now, I'm going to proud of that!

~10.6.2010 ~

wednesday

Almost ten months since I've written. It feels like I'm coming back to a long lost friend. Wondering if they'll take me back. Wondering if I have it in me to open up my soul and be honest with myself again. I've wanted to write my thoughts a few times, but one thing or another kept me from it. So many things have happened....this is harder than I thought...when I was writing all the time, the words came easier. Now I struggle. I type. I erase. I try to remember what I want to put down on paper. I guess the biggest thing I want to remember is how I felt about 2 months ago. It happened slowly. I knew it was happening, but I just kept thinking if I stayed upbeat and optimistic and just kept moving forward, it would sort itself out. Depression.

{today is Dec.14, 2010 - I decided to post today. I saw this draft from the 6th of October that I never finished. I am going to post it today and then continue on}

{december 23, 2009}

~wednesday~


merry christmas

It's been a looooooonnnnnnggggg time since I've blogged. No excuses really. I'm sad for all I've missed, but there's no use crying over spilt milk...right.

Our family wishes all of our wonderful friends and family a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

If you want this picture in hard copy, just let me know. Sometimes people just want to see what everyone looks like. This way you can do one or both {smile}.

Hoping this post finds all of you happy and healthy. Loves to all.

{october 9, 2009}

~friday~

The joys of little helping hands. Lucas has decided that he likes to help cook, stir or at least see what's going on inside the pans. He wanted Macaroni and Cheese for lunch today, so we helped each other. He was so patient. He still loves Blue's Clues like crazy and we are constantly singing songs from the show. "Wait, wait, wait. What will we do while we wait?" That's what he sang while the noodles boiled. Then tonight when it was time to get in his pajamas he started singing "Pajama T-i-m-e! From my head to my toes in my night time clothes!" I just love these little things that he does.

{october 8, 2009}

~thursday~

I don't know if I've ever done so much in one day when I've had sooooo little sleep! This was the full blown chocolate-sugar-sweet-brown-green-baby-love spread for my sweet niece's baby shower. I was cleaning, baking and decorating up until the last minute. I always seem to work that way. I got about 4 hours of sleep due to a misunderstanding, a very early (5:00am) scheduled 5 mile walk with a friend, spending a few hours to fix before mentioned misunderstanding and then all the above mentioned preparations for said shower.

Exhausted, I was, at the end of this day.

Yes that was "YODA" talk...ha, ha, ha. I crack myself up.

But at the end of the day, I had an awesome walk.
The shower was a very fun success. Thanks to all who helped and came.
Relationships all around are going good.

Give me my bed.
night

{october 7, 2009}

~wednesday~

Got a ton done today. My friend came over and helped me finish up in organizing and going through all of Lucas' toys. In the process we were able to clear out all the clutter that has made his and Chase's room a disaster zone. It feels so good to get SOME organization in place. I feel I have so far to go, but at least I'm getting somewhere. Thanks friend, for your help.

Lucas was so excited after I picked up from school and told him we were going to get the car washed. I meant to just get the quick, cheap wash. Instead I blurted out the name of the more expensive detailed wash and didn't realize it until he came back with my credit card receipt. Oh well, maybe that will teach me to slow down and be in the moment.

{august 27, 2009}

~thursday~
Okay, so the day didn't start out with me making breakfast, but yesterday when I made Belgian Waffles, I froze extras for today. My kids still think I'm great. Today we had a professional dancer, he's the son of a lady in our ward, come to our church and teach us how to Salsa and Samba. This video is of the Cha Cha style of dance. The class/dancing/workout was amazing! I felt like a fool trying to do the moves of this dance, but it was most definitely a workout! I'm sore in places I didn't realize even had a muscle...LOL! I was glad for this workout, because then I was lucky enough to go meet my sister, her husband, my brother and his new wife at this awesome little Italian Restaurant called Roma Garden. The food was more than yummy...I've already dreamed about going back to have the dish my sister and her husband ate. With the salsa dance workout and the pasta, "Just roll me to my bed and leave me be."

This is a strange phenomena to me. I'm positive that we've had hotter days than today by almost 7 degrees, yet today seemed exceptionally HOT! Just like in Utah where I remember getting tired of the cold, I'm getting tired of the hot. The only difference is that the cold goes on for months after you've had enough. At least the heat isn't going to continue another 2-3 months. I hope.

{august 26, 2009}

~wednesday~

Would love to re-do my kitchen like this!

Today was one of those days that you look back on at the end of the day and wish like crazy everyday could be like that. Actually made breakfast for my kids today. Yeah...okay...I know that probably drops me down on the "Best Mom Meter" but that's why I said a day like today is what I WISH it could be like everyday. Most of the day was just filled with being really productive, which lately has been very elusive for me. I'm certainly not trying to blame all this on losing Mark, but being a single parent (not by choice) is very lonely and harder than I'd like to admit. My dear friend is helping me organize. We made a plan and headed out to IKEA to get some things to use for organization. Had fun. Took the longest route to and from the store and it's not close as it is. Thank heaven for good company. Taking care of other aspects of my life and feeling happier about the direction of things as the day comes to a close. I hope tomorrow will continue on with the same energy and attitude. Crossing my fingers.

{august 25, 2009}

~tuesday~

Today, tonight, right this very second, I decided that even if I didn't take a picture today. This really is about journaling and keeping a record of this year. So, whether I have a picture or not, I'm going to journal. I'm way too behind, because I'm always so worried about getting the pictures up, but then I forget the real feelings and happenings of the day.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I've been on this emotional roller coaster, and it's been exhausting to say the least. I'm hoping that things are going to level out, but it's possible things will stay the same. Once again, I am in awe at my children. I try to be strong for them and give them the support they need. Occasionally, however, they are my support, and they humble me with their Christ-like love. Tess has always had a tender heart and she has matured so much since Mark died. I know she still has fun and is able to be a child with imagination and play, but she has a heart that puts mine to shame sometimes. On monday, I had had an exceptionally emotional day. Not really sure why, but I was still a mess as I left for the Open House at the high school. When I got home, I found these two letters on my bed, and the tears flowed. Tess had helped Lucas write me a note, and he colored a picture on the back of "mommies sad face". Knife to my heart! Then the sweet words of my darling Tess...she has so much love to give and such a love for life. I'm gonna kick myself someday if I don't treasure her and adore her even more than I already do.

{august 12, 2009}

~wednesday~


I can say without a doubt that I have experienced things in the last few years that have made it very clear how Heavenly Father can take my burdens. I have to admit however that when I'm feeling so confused and lost and like I want to run away and hide in cave, it's hard for me to REMEMBER to lay my burdens at His feet. Well last night as I finished the day feeling all those negative feelings, I remembered! I didn't know what else to do but turn it over to Him, and have faith that He would take care of it. So let me tell you about today. I didn't wake up feeling peaceful and have this amazing answer pop into my head that solved all my problems. No...I still woke up feeling lost and frustrated. I had to pray constantly today just to keep calm. I wanted to take action. I wanted to DO something that would fix it. (I wish eating this Dilly Bar would have been the fix, but alas, it was not. It tasted great, but the problem still existed.) I was having a hard time being patient. I wanted the answer or the fix now. I like to control my life, so this was extremely vexing for me. Well, as the day unfolded small little things happened that finally resulted in a culminating experience that had me sitting in awe and peace as the day came to an end. It wasn't an easy ride. I wish I didn't have to have days like this, and yet I have to say I'm grateful. Grateful for His love for me and His patience. I'm grateful for friends that play their part in bringing the plan together. I'm grateful for those who were inspired to call me and inspired in what they said. I wish I could remember this experience every day, but I know I won't. Isn't this why we have to go through things over and over. We need the practice to become closer to perfect. I am being perfected every day. I know I'll never be perfect, but that's why the Savior's gift is so important.

~ Be still, and know that I am God. ~
Psalms 46:10

{july 26, 2009} The uncensored, entertaining ramblings of a 3 year old - late at night!

sunday
I was checking out Facebook. Lucas is in bed next to me. He wanted to sleep with me tonight. We were going to bed late, but we started at least an hour or so ago. He's been quiet where I thought he had fallen asleep then he would say a few things and be quiet again. Then he started talking. He didn't even wait for me to answer most of the time. It's so funny how his mind goes from thought to thought, and so I just started typing everything that I could as it was coming out of his mouth. This is what took place over the next 20 minutes.

Lucas: When I was big like Tessa. When I was 10. I was, I was a baby, and when I was born like a baby, I was stronger like George of the Jungle. (Starts singing)George, George, George of the Jungle Strong as he can be. Watch out for that belly button.

(He laughs at himself. He thinks it's funny to use different words for "tree." He used one right after belly button that he knew was a bad one.)

Lucas: That was disgusting. I shouldn't say that, should I?

Me: No, probably not a good word to use.

Lucas: Yeah, (singing) George, George of the Jungle Strong as he can be. Watch out for that lamp. When I was 3 I was good. When I was little I was 6. When I was just a baby, I was 3 like a baby, cause my name is Lucas Baby. you're gonna be little in like 2 minutes, yeah, you are. You're so cute like a baby! Mom when you were a baby, you were born. (Not a question, but a statement) And what's you're number.

Me: I'm not sure what you mean by that.

Lucas: Your number is 6, 12. Grandma is the same order as you. Mom I'll do the key and get the mail for you okay. Hey mom, I'll click when I play Blue Clue's. Can I play Blue Clue's tonight? (It's 11:38 pm) You know the Upside Down show? Yeah. It's funny, but I like to go to bed and sleep. I'm just kidding, but I'm not gonna say kidding when I go to sleep. I'm SO kidding. What about no covers, I can just use my snugly. Do you like covers on? I don't like covers on. I just like my snugly. When Noah babysits you, do you want to watch Pikachu? I'll babysit you at mom's house. I'm going to take a picture of you when you were a baby. (My camera is here next to me.) I was just kidding of taking a picture of you when you were a baby. I was taking a picture of you when you were a baby. I want to take a picture of your lap.

(I take off the lens cap, turn it on, and show him which button to push. I also tell him he has to look through the little hole.)

Lucas: I can't see.

Me: Look through the hole. See my hand? (waving it in front - big smile appears on his face)

Lucas: I want to take a picture of you and the lamp. Which button do you press? (Chase come in the room) Chase I'm gonna take a picture of you. Flash. Chaser, I did it.

Chase: You almost did.

Lucas: Chase take a picture.

(This is the picture Chase took. I was going to stop typing what Lucas was saying, but then he said this:


Lucas: Mom can I squeeze your mouth and you say pineapple.

Me: Okay, sure.

Lucas: Okay say Peter Piper Pineapple. Laughs. I'm just kidding. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep. I'm going to bed, I'm going to bed. (It's 11:50)

(Five seconds later.)


I wish I had record of these kinds of conversations from my other three children when they were little. What I wouldn't give to know back then what I know now.