{december 23, 2009}

~wednesday~


merry christmas

It's been a looooooonnnnnnggggg time since I've blogged. No excuses really. I'm sad for all I've missed, but there's no use crying over spilt milk...right.

Our family wishes all of our wonderful friends and family a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

If you want this picture in hard copy, just let me know. Sometimes people just want to see what everyone looks like. This way you can do one or both {smile}.

Hoping this post finds all of you happy and healthy. Loves to all.

{october 9, 2009}

~friday~

The joys of little helping hands. Lucas has decided that he likes to help cook, stir or at least see what's going on inside the pans. He wanted Macaroni and Cheese for lunch today, so we helped each other. He was so patient. He still loves Blue's Clues like crazy and we are constantly singing songs from the show. "Wait, wait, wait. What will we do while we wait?" That's what he sang while the noodles boiled. Then tonight when it was time to get in his pajamas he started singing "Pajama T-i-m-e! From my head to my toes in my night time clothes!" I just love these little things that he does.

{october 8, 2009}

~thursday~

I don't know if I've ever done so much in one day when I've had sooooo little sleep! This was the full blown chocolate-sugar-sweet-brown-green-baby-love spread for my sweet niece's baby shower. I was cleaning, baking and decorating up until the last minute. I always seem to work that way. I got about 4 hours of sleep due to a misunderstanding, a very early (5:00am) scheduled 5 mile walk with a friend, spending a few hours to fix before mentioned misunderstanding and then all the above mentioned preparations for said shower.

Exhausted, I was, at the end of this day.

Yes that was "YODA" talk...ha, ha, ha. I crack myself up.

But at the end of the day, I had an awesome walk.
The shower was a very fun success. Thanks to all who helped and came.
Relationships all around are going good.

Give me my bed.
night

{october 7, 2009}

~wednesday~

Got a ton done today. My friend came over and helped me finish up in organizing and going through all of Lucas' toys. In the process we were able to clear out all the clutter that has made his and Chase's room a disaster zone. It feels so good to get SOME organization in place. I feel I have so far to go, but at least I'm getting somewhere. Thanks friend, for your help.

Lucas was so excited after I picked up from school and told him we were going to get the car washed. I meant to just get the quick, cheap wash. Instead I blurted out the name of the more expensive detailed wash and didn't realize it until he came back with my credit card receipt. Oh well, maybe that will teach me to slow down and be in the moment.

{august 27, 2009}

~thursday~
Okay, so the day didn't start out with me making breakfast, but yesterday when I made Belgian Waffles, I froze extras for today. My kids still think I'm great. Today we had a professional dancer, he's the son of a lady in our ward, come to our church and teach us how to Salsa and Samba. This video is of the Cha Cha style of dance. The class/dancing/workout was amazing! I felt like a fool trying to do the moves of this dance, but it was most definitely a workout! I'm sore in places I didn't realize even had a muscle...LOL! I was glad for this workout, because then I was lucky enough to go meet my sister, her husband, my brother and his new wife at this awesome little Italian Restaurant called Roma Garden. The food was more than yummy...I've already dreamed about going back to have the dish my sister and her husband ate. With the salsa dance workout and the pasta, "Just roll me to my bed and leave me be."

This is a strange phenomena to me. I'm positive that we've had hotter days than today by almost 7 degrees, yet today seemed exceptionally HOT! Just like in Utah where I remember getting tired of the cold, I'm getting tired of the hot. The only difference is that the cold goes on for months after you've had enough. At least the heat isn't going to continue another 2-3 months. I hope.

{august 26, 2009}

~wednesday~

Would love to re-do my kitchen like this!

Today was one of those days that you look back on at the end of the day and wish like crazy everyday could be like that. Actually made breakfast for my kids today. Yeah...okay...I know that probably drops me down on the "Best Mom Meter" but that's why I said a day like today is what I WISH it could be like everyday. Most of the day was just filled with being really productive, which lately has been very elusive for me. I'm certainly not trying to blame all this on losing Mark, but being a single parent (not by choice) is very lonely and harder than I'd like to admit. My dear friend is helping me organize. We made a plan and headed out to IKEA to get some things to use for organization. Had fun. Took the longest route to and from the store and it's not close as it is. Thank heaven for good company. Taking care of other aspects of my life and feeling happier about the direction of things as the day comes to a close. I hope tomorrow will continue on with the same energy and attitude. Crossing my fingers.

{august 25, 2009}

~tuesday~

Today, tonight, right this very second, I decided that even if I didn't take a picture today. This really is about journaling and keeping a record of this year. So, whether I have a picture or not, I'm going to journal. I'm way too behind, because I'm always so worried about getting the pictures up, but then I forget the real feelings and happenings of the day.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I've been on this emotional roller coaster, and it's been exhausting to say the least. I'm hoping that things are going to level out, but it's possible things will stay the same. Once again, I am in awe at my children. I try to be strong for them and give them the support they need. Occasionally, however, they are my support, and they humble me with their Christ-like love. Tess has always had a tender heart and she has matured so much since Mark died. I know she still has fun and is able to be a child with imagination and play, but she has a heart that puts mine to shame sometimes. On monday, I had had an exceptionally emotional day. Not really sure why, but I was still a mess as I left for the Open House at the high school. When I got home, I found these two letters on my bed, and the tears flowed. Tess had helped Lucas write me a note, and he colored a picture on the back of "mommies sad face". Knife to my heart! Then the sweet words of my darling Tess...she has so much love to give and such a love for life. I'm gonna kick myself someday if I don't treasure her and adore her even more than I already do.

{august 12, 2009}

~wednesday~


I can say without a doubt that I have experienced things in the last few years that have made it very clear how Heavenly Father can take my burdens. I have to admit however that when I'm feeling so confused and lost and like I want to run away and hide in cave, it's hard for me to REMEMBER to lay my burdens at His feet. Well last night as I finished the day feeling all those negative feelings, I remembered! I didn't know what else to do but turn it over to Him, and have faith that He would take care of it. So let me tell you about today. I didn't wake up feeling peaceful and have this amazing answer pop into my head that solved all my problems. No...I still woke up feeling lost and frustrated. I had to pray constantly today just to keep calm. I wanted to take action. I wanted to DO something that would fix it. (I wish eating this Dilly Bar would have been the fix, but alas, it was not. It tasted great, but the problem still existed.) I was having a hard time being patient. I wanted the answer or the fix now. I like to control my life, so this was extremely vexing for me. Well, as the day unfolded small little things happened that finally resulted in a culminating experience that had me sitting in awe and peace as the day came to an end. It wasn't an easy ride. I wish I didn't have to have days like this, and yet I have to say I'm grateful. Grateful for His love for me and His patience. I'm grateful for friends that play their part in bringing the plan together. I'm grateful for those who were inspired to call me and inspired in what they said. I wish I could remember this experience every day, but I know I won't. Isn't this why we have to go through things over and over. We need the practice to become closer to perfect. I am being perfected every day. I know I'll never be perfect, but that's why the Savior's gift is so important.

~ Be still, and know that I am God. ~
Psalms 46:10

{july 26, 2009} The uncensored, entertaining ramblings of a 3 year old - late at night!

sunday
I was checking out Facebook. Lucas is in bed next to me. He wanted to sleep with me tonight. We were going to bed late, but we started at least an hour or so ago. He's been quiet where I thought he had fallen asleep then he would say a few things and be quiet again. Then he started talking. He didn't even wait for me to answer most of the time. It's so funny how his mind goes from thought to thought, and so I just started typing everything that I could as it was coming out of his mouth. This is what took place over the next 20 minutes.

Lucas: When I was big like Tessa. When I was 10. I was, I was a baby, and when I was born like a baby, I was stronger like George of the Jungle. (Starts singing)George, George, George of the Jungle Strong as he can be. Watch out for that belly button.

(He laughs at himself. He thinks it's funny to use different words for "tree." He used one right after belly button that he knew was a bad one.)

Lucas: That was disgusting. I shouldn't say that, should I?

Me: No, probably not a good word to use.

Lucas: Yeah, (singing) George, George of the Jungle Strong as he can be. Watch out for that lamp. When I was 3 I was good. When I was little I was 6. When I was just a baby, I was 3 like a baby, cause my name is Lucas Baby. you're gonna be little in like 2 minutes, yeah, you are. You're so cute like a baby! Mom when you were a baby, you were born. (Not a question, but a statement) And what's you're number.

Me: I'm not sure what you mean by that.

Lucas: Your number is 6, 12. Grandma is the same order as you. Mom I'll do the key and get the mail for you okay. Hey mom, I'll click when I play Blue Clue's. Can I play Blue Clue's tonight? (It's 11:38 pm) You know the Upside Down show? Yeah. It's funny, but I like to go to bed and sleep. I'm just kidding, but I'm not gonna say kidding when I go to sleep. I'm SO kidding. What about no covers, I can just use my snugly. Do you like covers on? I don't like covers on. I just like my snugly. When Noah babysits you, do you want to watch Pikachu? I'll babysit you at mom's house. I'm going to take a picture of you when you were a baby. (My camera is here next to me.) I was just kidding of taking a picture of you when you were a baby. I was taking a picture of you when you were a baby. I want to take a picture of your lap.

(I take off the lens cap, turn it on, and show him which button to push. I also tell him he has to look through the little hole.)

Lucas: I can't see.

Me: Look through the hole. See my hand? (waving it in front - big smile appears on his face)

Lucas: I want to take a picture of you and the lamp. Which button do you press? (Chase come in the room) Chase I'm gonna take a picture of you. Flash. Chaser, I did it.

Chase: You almost did.

Lucas: Chase take a picture.

(This is the picture Chase took. I was going to stop typing what Lucas was saying, but then he said this:


Lucas: Mom can I squeeze your mouth and you say pineapple.

Me: Okay, sure.

Lucas: Okay say Peter Piper Pineapple. Laughs. I'm just kidding. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep. I'm going to bed, I'm going to bed. (It's 11:50)

(Five seconds later.)


I wish I had record of these kinds of conversations from my other three children when they were little. What I wouldn't give to know back then what I know now.

{june 27, 2009} Time is short.

~saturday~
So, here I sit, just thinking about many different things. On Wednesday, my dear friends little boy was in an accident and he did not survive. The next day as I was driving back home from visiting Utah, I thought continually how short our time can be with the ones we love. I wish there was a way to remember that exact point every second of every day, but unfortunately I don't. I cried for a long time as I thought of their pain, and how intense it must be to have it happen so suddenly. People used to ask me if it was harder or easier to go through the months with Mark being sick, knowing he was going to die, compared to a sudden death. It was hard, very hard, but at least we had talked about many things and did as much as we could with the knowledge that our time was short. For this dear family, he was with them one moment and gone the next. I know their faith is strong and I know they believe in the atonement and that brings peace. However, the grief and pain can be a test some days. It was hard to imagine in the immediate aftermath of Mark's passing that I would ever be happy again. But I am happy! Sure, I still have sad times, like when I visited Mark's grave while visiting Utah. It caught me completely by surprise. I don't believe that's where Mark is, so his grave is just a symbol. Yet, as I walked up to the headstone and saw his name permanently etched with both a beginning and end date to his mortal life, I cried. It's hard to explain the emotion behind those tears, when I don't know exactly myself. I'm not sad for me. I'm not sad for Mark. I most definitely know that he is just fine where he is. My point is that time really does make a difference. You never stop loving the people you lose, but you are able to keep living. That's what they want for us. They don't want us to be miserably sad the rest of our mortal lives. My friends were able to donate vital organs from their son to other children. I'm sure that was a difficult thing, yet to think of the increased hope of survival and a better life for those other children had to bring some comfort to my friends. Where one life is taken, others might be saved.

I think the thing that triggers my tears is that I'm sad for my kids. I've thought a lot about this lately. They are strong and I know they are going to be fine, but I struggle with how to manage all the things that will come their/our way. I don't want them to forget about their dad or not know about him and his life. Especially now that I'm dating. At some point I will likely get married, whether it's to this man or someone else. So how do I bring another man into my life and my kids life and yet still share with my children everything about Mark they need and want to know. It's a much different situation when you are widowed rather than divorced, because I still have a very loving and close relationship with Mark's family and always will. I will always think of Mark with much love and devotion. So take all that and now add a new man. I have very strong feelings for this man I'm dating. I hope it will continue on to something more serious, but even saying that is hard, because it seems that by saying that it means my love for Mark is leaving. Yet I know it isn't, but how is that possible? How can I still love Mark and now love another man. Most days I don't think about it so hard, I just let things take there course. I constantly find myself in a state of wondering, "just how did I get right here where I am with all the blessings and trials, and how on earth am I going to keep going and survive it all." Then Lucas asks for another Graham cracker, Tessa asks if she can go play with her friends and Chase and Patrick tease me for the hundredth time; and suddenly I'm distracted from my deep thinking and I get back to LIFE.

Which, by the way, reminds me, I'm totally behind on my {365} pictures and journaling. I have nearly all the pictures for the last month and a half, but for some reason I keep putting off doing the journaling. That's one of my top priorities next to getting my pool fixed. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

{may 17, 2009}

~sunday~

On friday, as I most likely took my last drive up to Montana Academy, we spotted this Bald Eagle. I was worried about being late, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to photograph this majestic bird right there next to the road. I can't even explain the sheer thrill and awe that I was experiencing. I have always loved birds of prey. I look for them constantly, and I get excited every time I see one. This, however, was one of those experiences I will never forget. It seemed like a symbol somehow. I don't know...maybe that sounds crazy, but I still get chills when I remember how I felt in those few moments I allowed myself to enjoy the "fUN of getting there."

{may 10, 2009}

sunday

Yesterday, after the birthday party, we all went to see my other niece as the lead in ~Romeo and Juliet~. She did a fantastic job. I love theater. I love to go to the theater. I enjoy performances at every level. I love to be in plays. There's such a rush being able to stand in front of a crowd and act out a story. I've been able to be so many different characters. It's definitely something I'm grateful to have had in my life. I'd like to be able to do it again someday, but even if I never did, my memories on the stage are pure joy.

{may 9, 2009}

saturday

First of all, isn't my niece beautiful? We got together to celebrate her birthday today at my sister's house. We had a great barbecue, did a little swimming and enjoyed cake and ice cream. You know what I was thinking? This, right here, is a huge part of what makes life so great. Family being together. Laughing and having fun. Making memories and celebrating important events. I'm grateful for family. I am extremely blessed to have a family that enjoys being together.

{may 8,2009}

friday

When I looked outside to check on all the kids. I saw the girls, all huddled on the trampoline playing "phone line." Is that the name of it? We used to play this at slumber parties. That was a big thing when I was in grade school. It's so different now. Back then, someone would invite 10+ girls over for games, food, staying up late, playing pranks. I don't know how our parents put up with that. Those were really fun times. It's sorta, kinda, sad that it's just not possible to do that kind of thing anymore. It's great to see that some of the old fun never dies. The girls were laughing and giggling about the mixed up messages. Their joy and innocence is such a pleasure, and takes me back to a fond memory.