Tuesday, December 14, 2010



There's just something different about posting now. When we started this blog it was an update and info blog of what was happening in our life of CANCER. Then it became my musings, or whatever you may call them, about how life goes on after someone you love has died. Now I struggle with wanting to tell it like it is, but feeling like I can't. I don't really know how to explain it. I guess it's kind of like writing one's life story after it's all over compared to sharing all the nitty gritty details in the here and now.

So in follow up to the post from 10.6.2010, that I just now put on here...Yes...Depression, an ugly word that I didn't want to put as a label on myself. And yet, I did want something, some kind of answer that could help me understand why I just can't seem to become the person I know I can be. It's hard when people tell you you're strong but you feel so weak. I felt like I needed to be some kind of Super Woman, but I felt like I was struggling to get by every day, and it wasn't getting better. It was getting worse. I tried some medication, but it was a bad mix with my chemical make up. The good news is that I think it gave my mind a Reboot, so to speak. Things haven't turned around 100% but things are looking up.

The main reason I wanted to post today was because a dear friend sent me an email today with a link to this letter. I absolutely love the message this gives to everyone, but especially women. We are so hard on ourselves. Me included. The other day I was having a particularly bad day. Giving myself a pretty good beating from the time I woke up. When I saw my little bowl of Dove Milk Chocolates, I knew I needed one of those delectable treats, because chocolate is always the answer. Well I tossed the wrapper in the garbage not feeling like looking at the cute little feel good quote, but then I couldn't help myself and grabbed it back out.

Thanks...Kathy from TN! I needed that. Life has been tough. Life is tough. Others lives have been tough and are tough. We just have to keep going. Never give up. It's okay to have a bad day every now and then, and give yourself a break. But we can't give up because one day...okay sometimes 2, 5, or 30 days are bad. We have to pick ourselves up, get out of bed, put on a smile- and some clothes :), and tell ourselves that tomorrow is a new day! Never give up! Try,try again!

~Endure to the end.~

That is the one thing I will give myself credit for...I haven't stopped trying, and for now, I'm going to proud of that!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

~10.6.2010 ~


Almost ten months since I've written. It feels like I'm coming back to a long lost friend. Wondering if they'll take me back. Wondering if I have it in me to open up my soul and be honest with myself again. I've wanted to write my thoughts a few times, but one thing or another kept me from it. So many things have happened....this is harder than I thought...when I was writing all the time, the words came easier. Now I struggle. I type. I erase. I try to remember what I want to put down on paper. I guess the biggest thing I want to remember is how I felt about 2 months ago. It happened slowly. I knew it was happening, but I just kept thinking if I stayed upbeat and optimistic and just kept moving forward, it would sort itself out. Depression.

{today is Dec.14, 2010 - I decided to post today. I saw this draft from the 6th of October that I never finished. I am going to post it today and then continue on}