Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy Easter!

So, today is Easter and my birthday. Very strange. I'm certain that's never happened before. I'm sitting in a hotel in Montana. I just got back from eating dinner by myself at Applebees. It was very yummy. I took my time eating and enjoying my food. I also noticed many people glancing my way. I'm sure they were wondering why a lone woman would be out to dinner by herself on Easter. I found it very amusing. I had a very nice meal and I came back to the hotel to pig out on my Blondie Brownie Sundae. They are so good. Tomorrow I'll see Patrick. I'm so looking forward to seeing him. After the parent conference workshop days, Patrick will be able to come with me for the weekend. We are both excited for this time together. He has just advanced to Sun Clan, which he was able to call and tell me about on Saturday. I could tell he was very proud of his accomplishment. I was very happy for him as well.

Much has been happening for me, and I'm not doing a very good job at recording it. I think that part of the roadblock for me comes from the fact that my journal is public. I like that it's public, because I hope that by sharing I might be helping someone else. I know I like to know that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. Every time someone writes to me or calls me and relates to something I've written, it makes me feel normal. Maybe it makes them feel normal too. On the other hand, because this is so public, I don't share because I'm afraid of what people will think, or that they'll misinterpret what I'm saying.

I have made a big decision with the kids over the last couple of months. We have just put our house on the market. I'm going to move to Arizona. I'm very excited for the move. We pondered and prayed about it and we felt it was the right thing for us. My sister's family and my mom and dad both live there. My sister is my best friend next to Mark, so I think it's a good thing. I didn't want to make the move if the kids were going to be upset about it, but they are on board and excited too. We are sad to leave all our sweet family and all our wonderful friends. I'd like to share a quote about losing your spouse from the book I've been reading called "Widow to Widow."

----"I used to have a Psychology Professor who periodically punctuated his explanations of the human condition with "Nothing is forever." No one knows that better than the widow, because suddenly nothing is the same. Change comes with a jolt and a crash, and like an earthquake, never quite settles back into its original place."----

Even though I do believe in a FOREVER, in this mortal life the above statement is so profoundly true. Our life has been shaken and jolted and it will never settle back to its original place. I have to make a life now for me and the kids that works for me and them. This doesn't mean I won't continue to think about Mark everyday of my life and wish upon every star that I might see him in my dreams or feel his presence, but I do have to live now without him. He and I had discussed this very possibility. He had asked me what I would do when he was gone. Would I stay in this house forever? Would I pay it off? Would I downsize? Would I move to Arizona? I told him that I might move there someday, when the kids were older. He sort of figured I would, and thought it was a wise decision. I know that I have felt his support as well as the Lord's in making this decision.

This might be the other reason that I don't journal very often. Every time I do, I'm writing an epistle. I'm so exhausted that I can't imagine sitting down again and doing this tomorrow. Maybe I need to focus on some of the lighter stuff. I really need to write down more of the great stuff that the kids are doing. They are so amazing. I know Mark is very proud of all they are doing. Till next time. Hopefully it's sooner than later. :)

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say- Happy Birthday!
I hope you find peace and happiness in the move- you deserve it! Your family IS what is most important, so do what works for you all. I hope you continue to blog so we can keep a finger on whats happening in your life- I miss you always! Love ya,
Wendy

Austin & Lela said...

Marianne,

That's a neat quote (from the book) thanks for sharing it. It's neat that the psychology teacher would say it all the time, because I could see how that would remind one to be ready for change, and to be grateful for each moment.

How exciting about your plans to move closer to Aunt Diane. I'm sure you've thought a lot about it, and it must feel good to have come to a decision. We'll all support you as best we can!

gma and gpa M said...

Our Mariannie,

As you know, we haven't often put an entry into your blog, but at this time we feel a need to publicly express our love and support for you, the kids and your decision and to complement you on how well you have expressed your thoughts and plans. I'm sure Mark would approve the process you have gone through to make such a major decision.

We are so thankful for the progress of Patrick, Chase, Tessa and Lucas and for the adjustments that you all continue to make.

Having so many loving family members and friends, no matter where you are, along with the gospel plan, will always help sustain you.
Love, Mom and Dad

Anonymous said...

Happy (belated) Birthday Marianne!
Wow, you're moving to Arizona. We are happy for you and the kids. I bet thier grandparents are sure excited.

I sure appreciate your journal entries, I know that it is not easy to express your thoughts so openly.But you're right, I see how many lives you touch and help. I have pictures of our family and your family in Monument Valley hanging on my wall. I have great memories of Mark. Your a remarkable person, Mark knows that and loves you for the wife and mother that you are. Take care of yourself, hope everything works out smoothly in you move. ~Lorna

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for sharing your life, struggles, victories, and every day routines with me. Although my journey has different twists and turns than yours, I enjoy relating to your way of thinking and I do feel "normal" even when I feel so abnormal at times. Please don't stop. Please continue writing. I don't need your epistles. I just need to know how you and your family are doing and I need to know that my bad days are normal too. Thanks!