just me

~12.14.2010~

2010-12-14T11:15:00.006-07:00

tuesday

There's just something different about posting now. When we started this blog it was an update and info blog of what was happening in our life of CANCER. Then it became my musings, or whatever you may call them, about how life goes on after someone you love has died. Now I struggle with wanting to tell it like it is, but feeling like I can't. I don't really know how to explain it. I guess it's kind of like writing one's life story after it's all over compared to sharing all the nitty gritty details in the here and now.

So in follow up to the post from 10.6.2010, that I just now put on here...Yes...Depression, an ugly word that I didn't want to put as a label on myself. And yet, I did want something, some kind of answer that could help me understand why I just can't seem to become the person I know I can be. It's hard when people tell you you're strong but you feel so weak. I felt like I needed to be some kind of Super Woman, but I felt like I was struggling to get by every day, and it wasn't getting better. It was getting worse. I tried some medication, but it was a bad mix with my chemical make up. The good news is that I think it gave my mind a Reboot, so to speak. Things haven't turned around 100% but things are looking up.

The main reason I wanted to post today was because a dear friend sent me an email today with a link to this letter. I absolutely love the message this gives to everyone, but especially women. We are so hard on ourselves. Me included. The other day I was having a particularly bad day. Giving myself a pretty good beating from the time I woke up. When I saw my little bowl of Dove Milk Chocolates, I knew I needed one of those delectable treats, because chocolate is always the answer. Well I tossed the wrapper in the garbage not feeling like looking at the cute little feel good quote, but then I couldn't help myself and grabbed it back out.

Thanks...Kathy from TN! I needed that. Life has been tough. Life is tough. Others lives have been tough and are tough. We just have to keep going. Never give up. It's okay to have a bad day every now and then, and give yourself a break. But we can't give up because one day...okay sometimes 2, 5, or 30 days are bad. We have to pick ourselves up, get out of bed, put on a smile- and some clothes :), and tell ourselves that tomorrow is a new day! Never give up! Try,try again!

~Endure to the end.~

That is the one thing I will give myself credit for...I haven't stopped trying, and for now, I'm going to proud of that!

~10.6.2010 ~

2010-10-06T23:35:00.002-07:00

wednesday

Almost ten months since I've written. It feels like I'm coming back to a long lost friend. Wondering if they'll take me back. Wondering if I have it in me to open up my soul and be honest with myself again. I've wanted to write my thoughts a few times, but one thing or another kept me from it. So many things have happened....this is harder than I thought...when I was writing all the time, the words came easier. Now I struggle. I type. I erase. I try to remember what I want to put down on paper. I guess the biggest thing I want to remember is how I felt about 2 months ago. It happened slowly. I knew it was happening, but I just kept thinking if I stayed upbeat and optimistic and just kept moving forward, it would sort itself out. Depression.

{today is Dec.14, 2010 - I decided to post today. I saw this draft from the 6th of October that I never finished. I am going to post it today and then continue on}

{december 23, 2009}

2009-12-23T16:48:00.003-07:00

~wednesday~

merry christmas

It's been a looooooonnnnnnggggg time since I've blogged. No excuses really. I'm sad for all I've missed, but there's no use crying over spilt milk...right.

Our family wishes all of our wonderful friends and family a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

If you want this picture in hard copy, just let me know. Sometimes people just want to see what everyone looks like. This way you can do one or both {smile}.

Hoping this post finds all of you happy and healthy. Loves to all.

{october 9, 2009}

2009-10-09T21:05:00.003-07:00

~friday~

The joys of little helping hands. Lucas has decided that he likes to help cook, stir or at least see what's going on inside the pans. He wanted Macaroni and Cheese for lunch today, so we helped each other. He was so patient. He still loves Blue's Clues like crazy and we are constantly singing songs from the show. "Wait, wait, wait. What will we do while we wait?" That's what he sang while the noodles boiled. Then tonight when it was time to get in his pajamas he started singing "Pajama T-i-m-e! From my head to my toes in my night time clothes!" I just love these little things that he does.

{october 8, 2009}

2009-10-08T21:15:00.001-07:00

~thursday~

I don't know if I've ever done so much in one day when I've had sooooo little sleep! This was the full blown chocolate-sugar-sweet-brown-green-baby-love spread for my sweet niece's baby shower. I was cleaning, baking and decorating up until the last minute. I always seem to work that way. I got about 4 hours of sleep due to a misunderstanding, a very early (5:00am) scheduled 5 mile walk with a friend, spending a few hours to fix before mentioned misunderstanding and then all the above mentioned preparations for said shower.

Exhausted, I was, at the end of this day.

Yes that was "YODA" talk...ha, ha, ha. I crack myself up.

But at the end of the day, I had an awesome walk.
The shower was a very fun success. Thanks to all who helped and came.
Relationships all around are going good.

Give me my bed.
night

{october 7, 2009}

2009-10-07T21:33:00.001-07:00

~wednesday~

Got a ton done today. My friend came over and helped me finish up in organizing and going through all of Lucas' toys. In the process we were able to clear out all the clutter that has made his and Chase's room a disaster zone. It feels so good to get SOME organization in place. I feel I have so far to go, but at least I'm getting somewhere. Thanks friend, for your help.

Lucas was so excited after I picked up from school and told him we were going to get the car washed. I meant to just get the quick, cheap wash. Instead I blurted out the name of the more expensive detailed wash and didn't realize it until he came back with my credit card receipt. Oh well, maybe that will teach me to slow down and be in the moment.

{august 27, 2009}

2009-08-27T21:36:00.003-07:00

~thursday~
Okay, so the day didn't start out with me making breakfast, but yesterday when I made Belgian Waffles, I froze extras for today. My kids still think I'm great. Today we had a professional dancer, he's the son of a lady in our ward, come to our church and teach us how to Salsa and Samba. This video is of the Cha Cha style of dance. The class/dancing/workout was amazing! I felt like a fool trying to do the moves of this dance, but it was most definitely a workout! I'm sore in places I didn't realize even had a muscle...LOL! I was glad for this workout, because then I was lucky enough to go meet my sister, her husband, my brother and his new wife at this awesome little Italian Restaurant called Roma Garden. The food was more than yummy...I've already dreamed about going back to have the dish my sister and her husband ate. With the salsa dance workout and the pasta, "Just roll me to my bed and leave me be."

This is a strange phenomena to me. I'm positive that we've had hotter days than today by almost 7 degrees, yet today seemed exceptionally HOT! Just like in Utah where I remember getting tired of the cold, I'm getting tired of the hot. The only difference is that the cold goes on for months after you've had enough. At least the heat isn't going to continue another 2-3 months. I hope.

{august 26, 2009}

2009-08-26T21:11:00.004-07:00

~wednesday~

Would love to re-do my kitchen like this!

Today was one of those days that you look back on at the end of the day and wish like crazy everyday could be like that. Actually made breakfast for my kids today. Yeah...okay...I know that probably drops me down on the "Best Mom Meter" but that's why I said a day like today is what I WISH it could be like everyday. Most of the day was just filled with being really productive, which lately has been very elusive for me. I'm certainly not trying to blame all this on losing Mark, but being a single parent (not by choice) is very lonely and harder than I'd like to admit. My dear friend is helping me organize. We made a plan and headed out to IKEA to get some things to use for organization. Had fun. Took the longest route to and from the store and it's not close as it is. Thank heaven for good company. Taking care of other aspects of my life and feeling happier about the direction of things as the day comes to a close. I hope tomorrow will continue on with the same energy and attitude. Crossing my fingers.

{august 25, 2009}

2009-08-25T22:51:00.006-07:00

~tuesday~

Today, tonight, right this very second, I decided that even if I didn't take a picture today. This really is about journaling and keeping a record of this year. So, whether I have a picture or not, I'm going to journal. I'm way too behind, because I'm always so worried about getting the pictures up, but then I forget the real feelings and happenings of the day.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I've been on this emotional roller coaster, and it's been exhausting to say the least. I'm hoping that things are going to level out, but it's possible things will stay the same. Once again, I am in awe at my children. I try to be strong for them and give them the support they need. Occasionally, however, they are my support, and they humble me with their Christ-like love. Tess has always had a tender heart and she has matured so much since Mark died. I know she still has fun and is able to be a child with imagination and play, but she has a heart that puts mine to shame sometimes. On monday, I had had an exceptionally emotional day. Not really sure why, but I was still a mess as I left for the Open House at the high school. When I got home, I found these two letters on my bed, and the tears flowed. Tess had helped Lucas write me a note, and he colored a picture on the back of "mommies sad face". Knife to my heart! Then the sweet words of my darling Tess...she has so much love to give and such a love for life. I'm gonna kick myself someday if I don't treasure her and adore her even more than I already do.

{august 12, 2009}

2009-08-12T23:34:00.001-07:00

~wednesday~

I can say without a doubt that I have experienced things in the last few years that have made it very clear how Heavenly Father can take my burdens. I have to admit however that when I'm feeling so confused and lost and like I want to run away and hide in cave, it's hard for me to REMEMBER to lay my burdens at His feet. Well last night as I finished the day feeling all those negative feelings, I remembered! I didn't know what else to do but turn it over to Him, and have faith that He would take care of it. So let me tell you about today. I didn't wake up feeling peaceful and have this amazing answer pop into my head that solved all my problems. No...I still woke up feeling lost and frustrated. I had to pray constantly today just to keep calm. I wanted to take action. I wanted to DO something that would fix it. (I wish eating this Dilly Bar would have been the fix, but alas, it was not. It tasted great, but the problem still existed.) I was having a hard time being patient. I wanted the answer or the fix now. I like to control my life, so this was extremely vexing for me. Well, as the day unfolded small little things happened that finally resulted in a culminating experience that had me sitting in awe and peace as the day came to an end. It wasn't an easy ride. I wish I didn't have to have days like this, and yet I have to say I'm grateful. Grateful for His love for me and His patience. I'm grateful for friends that play their part in bringing the plan together. I'm grateful for those who were inspired to call me and inspired in what they said. I wish I could remember this experience every day, but I know I won't. Isn't this why we have to go through things over and over. We need the practice to become closer to perfect. I am being perfected every day. I know I'll never be perfect, but that's why the Savior's gift is so important.

~ Be still, and know that I am God. ~
Psalms 46:10

{july 26, 2009} The uncensored, entertaining ramblings of a 3 year old - late at night!

2009-07-26T23:33:00.007-07:00

sunday
I was checking out Facebook. Lucas is in bed next to me. He wanted to sleep with me tonight. We were going to bed late, but we started at least an hour or so ago. He's been quiet where I thought he had fallen asleep then he would say a few things and be quiet again. Then he started talking. He didn't even wait for me to answer most of the time. It's so funny how his mind goes from thought to thought, and so I just started typing everything that I could as it was coming out of his mouth. This is what took place over the next 20 minutes.

Lucas: When I was big like Tessa. When I was 10. I was, I was a baby, and when I was born like a baby, I was stronger like George of the Jungle. (Starts singing)George, George, George of the Jungle Strong as he can be. Watch out for that belly button.

(He laughs at himself. He thinks it's funny to use different words for "tree." He used one right after belly button that he knew was a bad one.)

Lucas: That was disgusting. I shouldn't say that, should I?

Me: No, probably not a good word to use.

Lucas: Yeah, (singing) George, George of the Jungle Strong as he can be. Watch out for that lamp. When I was 3 I was good. When I was little I was 6. When I was just a baby, I was 3 like a baby, cause my name is Lucas Baby. you're gonna be little in like 2 minutes, yeah, you are. You're so cute like a baby! Mom when you were a baby, you were born. (Not a question, but a statement) And what's you're number.

Me: I'm not sure what you mean by that.

Lucas: Your number is 6, 12. Grandma is the same order as you. Mom I'll do the key and get the mail for you okay. Hey mom, I'll click when I play Blue Clue's. Can I play Blue Clue's tonight? (It's 11:38 pm) You know the Upside Down show? Yeah. It's funny, but I like to go to bed and sleep. I'm just kidding, but I'm not gonna say kidding when I go to sleep. I'm SO kidding. What about no covers, I can just use my snugly. Do you like covers on? I don't like covers on. I just like my snugly. When Noah babysits you, do you want to watch Pikachu? I'll babysit you at mom's house. I'm going to take a picture of you when you were a baby. (My camera is here next to me.) I was just kidding of taking a picture of you when you were a baby. I was taking a picture of you when you were a baby. I want to take a picture of your lap.

(I take off the lens cap, turn it on, and show him which button to push. I also tell him he has to look through the little hole.)

Lucas: I can't see.

Me: Look through the hole. See my hand? (waving it in front - big smile appears on his face)

Lucas: I want to take a picture of you and the lamp. Which button do you press? (Chase come in the room) Chase I'm gonna take a picture of you. Flash. Chaser, I did it.

Chase: You almost did.

Lucas: Chase take a picture.

(This is the picture Chase took. I was going to stop typing what Lucas was saying, but then he said this:

Lucas: Mom can I squeeze your mouth and you say pineapple.

Me: Okay, sure.

Lucas: Okay say Peter Piper Pineapple. Laughs. I'm just kidding. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep. I'm going to bed, I'm going to bed. (It's 11:50)

(Five seconds later.)

I wish I had record of these kinds of conversations from my other three children when they were little. What I wouldn't give to know back then what I know now.

{june 27, 2009} Time is short.

2009-06-27T09:30:00.004-07:00

~saturday~
So, here I sit, just thinking about many different things. On Wednesday, my dear friends little boy was in an accident and he did not survive. The next day as I was driving back home from visiting Utah, I thought continually how short our time can be with the ones we love. I wish there was a way to remember that exact point every second of every day, but unfortunately I don't. I cried for a long time as I thought of their pain, and how intense it must be to have it happen so suddenly. People used to ask me if it was harder or easier to go through the months with Mark being sick, knowing he was going to die, compared to a sudden death. It was hard, very hard, but at least we had talked about many things and did as much as we could with the knowledge that our time was short. For this dear family, he was with them one moment and gone the next. I know their faith is strong and I know they believe in the atonement and that brings peace. However, the grief and pain can be a test some days. It was hard to imagine in the immediate aftermath of Mark's passing that I would ever be happy again. But I am happy! Sure, I still have sad times, like when I visited Mark's grave while visiting Utah. It caught me completely by surprise. I don't believe that's where Mark is, so his grave is just a symbol. Yet, as I walked up to the headstone and saw his name permanently etched with both a beginning and end date to his mortal life, I cried. It's hard to explain the emotion behind those tears, when I don't know exactly myself. I'm not sad for me. I'm not sad for Mark. I most definitely know that he is just fine where he is. My point is that time really does make a difference. You never stop loving the people you lose, but you are able to keep living. That's what they want for us. They don't want us to be miserably sad the rest of our mortal lives. My friends were able to donate vital organs from their son to other children. I'm sure that was a difficult thing, yet to think of the increased hope of survival and a better life for those other children had to bring some comfort to my friends. Where one life is taken, others might be saved.

I think the thing that triggers my tears is that I'm sad for my kids. I've thought a lot about this lately. They are strong and I know they are going to be fine, but I struggle with how to manage all the things that will come their/our way. I don't want them to forget about their dad or not know about him and his life. Especially now that I'm dating. At some point I will likely get married, whether it's to this man or someone else. So how do I bring another man into my life and my kids life and yet still share with my children everything about Mark they need and want to know. It's a much different situation when you are widowed rather than divorced, because I still have a very loving and close relationship with Mark's family and always will. I will always think of Mark with much love and devotion. So take all that and now add a new man. I have very strong feelings for this man I'm dating. I hope it will continue on to something more serious, but even saying that is hard, because it seems that by saying that it means my love for Mark is leaving. Yet I know it isn't, but how is that possible? How can I still love Mark and now love another man. Most days I don't think about it so hard, I just let things take there course. I constantly find myself in a state of wondering, "just how did I get right here where I am with all the blessings and trials, and how on earth am I going to keep going and survive it all." Then Lucas asks for another Graham cracker, Tessa asks if she can go play with her friends and Chase and Patrick tease me for the hundredth time; and suddenly I'm distracted from my deep thinking and I get back to LIFE.

Which, by the way, reminds me, I'm totally behind on my {365} pictures and journaling. I have nearly all the pictures for the last month and a half, but for some reason I keep putting off doing the journaling. That's one of my top priorities next to getting my pool fixed. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

{may 17, 2009}

2009-05-17T21:56:00.001-07:00

~sunday~

On friday, as I most likely took my last drive up to Montana Academy, we spotted this Bald Eagle. I was worried about being late, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to photograph this majestic bird right there next to the road. I can't even explain the sheer thrill and awe that I was experiencing. I have always loved birds of prey. I look for them constantly, and I get excited every time I see one. This, however, was one of those experiences I will never forget. It seemed like a symbol somehow. I don't know...maybe that sounds crazy, but I still get chills when I remember how I felt in those few moments I allowed myself to enjoy the "fUN of getting there."

{may 10, 2009}

2009-05-10T22:19:00.002-07:00

sunday

Yesterday, after the birthday party, we all went to see my other niece as the lead in ~Romeo and Juliet~. She did a fantastic job. I love theater. I love to go to the theater. I enjoy performances at every level. I love to be in plays. There's such a rush being able to stand in front of a crowd and act out a story. I've been able to be so many different characters. It's definitely something I'm grateful to have had in my life. I'd like to be able to do it again someday, but even if I never did, my memories on the stage are pure joy.

{may 9, 2009}

2009-05-09T22:07:00.001-07:00

saturday

First of all, isn't my niece beautiful? We got together to celebrate her birthday today at my sister's house. We had a great barbecue, did a little swimming and enjoyed cake and ice cream. You know what I was thinking? This, right here, is a huge part of what makes life so great. Family being together. Laughing and having fun. Making memories and celebrating important events. I'm grateful for family. I am extremely blessed to have a family that enjoys being together.

{may 8,2009}

2009-05-08T21:52:00.001-07:00

friday

When I looked outside to check on all the kids. I saw the girls, all huddled on the trampoline playing "phone line." Is that the name of it? We used to play this at slumber parties. That was a big thing when I was in grade school. It's so different now. Back then, someone would invite 10+ girls over for games, food, staying up late, playing pranks. I don't know how our parents put up with that. Those were really fun times. It's sorta, kinda, sad that it's just not possible to do that kind of thing anymore. It's great to see that some of the old fun never dies. The girls were laughing and giggling about the mixed up messages. Their joy and innocence is such a pleasure, and takes me back to a fond memory.

{may 7, 2009}

2009-05-07T22:03:00.001-07:00

thursday

It never ceases to amaze me how much peace and comfort I find when I go to the temple. The worldly cares and concerns are no longer weighing me down, and I am able to feel the spirit of our loving Heavenly Father in his holy house. I am so grateful to be able to go into the House of the Lord and find the solace I need within it's walls. Truly He loves us and invites us to come to Him and find peace.

{may 6, 2009}

2009-05-06T22:01:00.001-07:00

wednesday

This day, I remember today too well actually. Some days in our lives are profoundly etched into our memories. Time does very little to diminish the memory of the feelings and happenings of the day. Because this is so public, there are some things I cannot share in my journaling. I've thought about whether it would make more sense to put some things in a private journal, but then I think there are some things I would never really want anyone to read. What I do know is the sun shines every day whether we can see it or not. There may be clouds in the sky with rain or snow pouring down, and even though we cannot see the sun. It is always there. Some of our days may seem overcast and dreary, but if we remember that our Heavenly Father is always there, then we can find peace in the storms.

{may 5, 2009}

2009-05-05T21:57:00.001-07:00

tuesday

I feel equally blessed for Lucas' sake that we have friends right here in the neighborhood for him to play with. He still loves playing Legos. Playing Legos with friends, makes for a very happy boy.

{may 4, 2009}

2009-05-04T21:54:00.001-07:00

monday

Today-the actual day I'm journaling this week of pictures is August 20. I think some of the emotions are lost from what was really going on for me this day, and what I was thinking. I do know that as I look at the face of my sweet daughter, she is happy. She has good friends and she's loving life. I know that she has a strong faith and belief in the atonement. She amazes me with her ability to move forward in life even though her daddy is gone. I am grateful for her and her spirit. She is truly an angel in my life.

{week of apr. 27 - may 3}

2009-04-27T12:43:00.001-07:00

sunday, may 3, 2009

Chase had tried to fish a little yesterday with no luck. He tried again this morning with no luck still. I've noticed for myself that fishing isn't always about catching fish. You put in the work and the effort with HOPE that you will catch a fish. Sometimes we have to go back again and again before we catch one. And the joy when we do catch one is thrilling. The best thing about this day was waking up to the beauty, peace and stillness of nature and then following that up with the beauty, peace and stillness of the spirit. Correlation = aren't we supposed to be "fishers of men?" Don't we need/want to keep trying again and again never giving up HOPE that we will bring someone to the truth and light of the gospel. Just Thinking.

saturday, may 2, 2009

Went camping for a quick over-nighter at Lynx Lake in Prescott, AZ. Ate yummy steaks and potato salad. Went for a night hike around the lake. Taunted some poor lake birds. Sat by the fire. Roasted marshmallows. Had such a fun and relaxing time.

friday, may 1, 2009

Tonight Doug and I went to celebrate the birthday of our friend Emily. When we arrived at their house for a BBQ we were introduced to the newest members of their family. Hailey and Comet (left to right, girl and boy.) They were the sweetest little things. So new. They were shy, but curious at the same time. Our friends have only been married a few months. I hope adding puppies is a good thing. They already seemed like lots of work while we were there. Of course it made me "puppy hungry," but as I watched them spend so much time taking care of them, I also remembered why I don't want a dog. My poor kids - they suffer because of me.

thursday, april 30, 2009

Isn't he cute? No really, isn't he beautiful. I saw him from my upstairs window. Darting from a large Purple Lantana, across the driveway and up toward the front door. I grabbed my camera and raced downstairs. I couldn't believe my luck when I opened the door and there he sat emerging from the Yellow Lantana near my front door. I literally had seconds to snap this picture before he was gone.

wednesday, april 29, 2009

Seriously????? We've already gone through two nesting's on the vent from our fireplace of presumably the same pair of morning doves. There was a picture of the first nest back in March when the babies where only days from leaving the nest. On the 14th of April I have another picture of the pair on a nest on the vent. When the second set of babies had flown I took down the nesting materials and pulled up the chicken wire so it wasn't a nice little scooped out place to build a nest. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I love wildlife and nature and watching this miracle is fun and educational, but the mess right in the middle of my back porch is not my favorite, thus the attempt at deterring another nest on the vent. Well I succeeded in preventing that location, so they moved just a few feet down the porch onto my nice soft towels on the rack near the pool. Lovely. Third time in 3 months!? Maybe, hopefully, this is not the same couple. Oh well, we'll be the proud family of two more baby morning doves in a few weeks time.

tuesday, april 28, 2009

Tess and I had a "date night" tonight. We went to one of those places where you pick out a ceramic piece of your choice and paint it, leave it for a few days for them to fire it and then whaalaa - how do you spell that ? - you pick up a glossy finished absolutely beautiful work of art to take home. We painted it together and had such a nice night together. Someday, this incredible daughter of mine, will be wanting to spend her free time going on dates with boys instead of her old mom. I'm so grateful for a few more years.

monday, april 27, 2009

Sometimes I'm grasping for a POTD. This would be one of those, and yet it's the cute simple pictures and happenings that we so easily forget. Lucas really wanted me to get a picture of what's inside his mouth, and as soon as I took it, he wanted to see it. He's fascinated with pictures of himself. Therefore, he still wants to have his picture taken. This phenomenon might not last too much longer, so I take full advantage of it.

{week of apr. 20 - apr. 26}

2009-04-20T00:39:00.001-07:00

sunday, april 26, 2009

Look at this beautiful daughter of mine. I can't believe how lucky I am to have her in my life. She is thoughtful, giving, happy and really beautiful. I realize over the next few years her teen attitude might take over and things could be more stressful between us as mother and daughter, so I wanted to document how wonderful she is and how blessed I am right this moment.

saturday, april 25, 2009

This was our view from the bedroom suite we had. Rachel has some connections so we were in a really nice room. I haven't been to Vegas {in a hotel/casino} for a very long time. I realized I haven't missed anything. Although I love the fun shows available, I don't love the overall feeling and atmosphere, and SERIOUSLY????, why on earth is this the only place where a non-smoker must inhale a pack of cigarettes just to get from the hotel entrance to hotel room? Let me share a joke I read once. "A non-smoking section in a restaurant, is like having a non-peeing section in a swimming pool." Think about it...funny huh!?

friday, april 24, 2009

Rachel, Mom, Diane and I left my house at about 1pm and drove to Vegas to attend Brit's bridal shower. Her mom Sheryl is in the middle. Brit is marrying my nephew Michael. I'm not going to make the wedding, so I was really excited to take a girls road trip out for the shower. It was a blast, and then we went over to Brit's house and chatted for awhile. Great memories.

thursday, april 23, 2009

My sweet sister and her husband Jim are so good to us. They always have us over for dinner. Today was their anniversary. I meant to call all day, but I never did get around to it, I'm pathetic. I know.

wednesday, april 22, 2009

Chase was in a "One-act" play written and directed by a senior in his drama class. He had a big part and he has to kiss the girl in this scene four different times. Poor guy. He did a really great job, and the premise of the play was four different pairs of people - one engaged couple, two sisters, two scam artists and two buddies moving out for school (that's what Chase was) - are trying to see who can last the longest in the apartment. Whoever does gets to stay in the apartment for free.

tuesday, april 21, 2009

I've been wanting to get a picture of gas prices before they go back up. When we moved down to AZ last August, the price was $4 something. I think it got close to $5, but then it dropped. I can't remember when, but I keep hearing it's inevitable that it will go back up again. So here's proof that it was under $2.00 once.

monday, april 20, 2009

See the cute little tie on Lucas? Well I bought it for Easter. He wore it for Easter, and now we haven't seen it since. How does a tie just disappear? Oh well, it looked cute for the day and who knows, maybe it will turn up somewhere...sometime.

{week of apr. 13 - apr. 19}

2009-04-13T17:37:00.007-07:00

sunday, april 19, 2009

This is a watershed lake up in Prescott called Goldwater Lake. After church and some hamburgers on the grill, we went up just to enjoy nature. It really was beautiful. I had so many beautiful pictures of the sun on the water and some with the ducks and geese, but I chose this picture. The simple joys. Looking for the perfect flat rock and the attempt at skipping it. Chase loves it and I swear I can't almost 12 skips on one of his throws today. A friend was telling me about a lake in Montana where the beach is covered in smooth flat stones. I'm going to have to make it there someday.

saturday, april 18, 2009

Late at night...scrappin' away. We have so much fun. We laugh and talk about all kinds of crazy things. We give each other help when we're stuck in a creative rut. I'm often cold, so it's perfectly fitting that I'm in my sweatshirt. Can't say I got a whole lot of scrapbook pages done. Will say I bought a lot, even though I promised myself I wouldn't. It's all good.

friday, april 17. 2009

So anyone who scrapbooks will know that someone famous is in this picture with me, my sister, my mom and our friends. We took her class at the convention and she came back and chatted with our group. She thought it was way fun and cool that we were all there together. We took this picture with her. {She is so skinny, tiny and sweet} I was so excited when I went to her blog and saw that she had posted the same picture....does this mean I'm kinda famous?

thursday, april 16, 2009

I love this picture, and do you want to know why? My mom is amazing at journaling. Seriously...she keeps track of everything. We went to a scrap book convention this weekend; my mom, my sister and I. We started in the year 2000. I think I've only missed one year. We have such a fun time. Sometimes our friends come. Sometimes my sister-in-laws come. We laugh and buy and scrap. But this picture depicts what it's all about. Journaling. Sharing the stories of what, when, why, where and how.

wednesday, april 15, 2009

Do you know what my insane, perfectionist mind just did...I went looking (10 minutes) for this stupid cactus' name. I drive myself crazy. All I wanted to say was "LOOK AT THE BEAUTY OF THESE FLOWERS." How can a prickly scary looking thing called a cactus produce something this amazing? Well, it's happening all over right now. I've never seen so many colors and varieties. It's fantastic. There really is beauty in everything. Sometimes you just have to be patient to see it.

tuesday, april 14, 2009

We literally had two full pool days, yesterday and today. Luckily the weather cooperated great on Monday and wasn't too bad today. Most of the Giles got a little red. I felt bad. I tried to heat up the pool so we could actually enjoy it. Even though we can have toasty days. The nights still get cold enough to keep the water cold. We had so much fun.

monday, april 13, 2009

Yeah!!! We had more visitors. The Giles came to stay for a few days during their Spring Break time. The kids were so excited. The kids hadn't seen each other since October for some and July for the others. It was really great to catch up and hang out. We took them to one of our favorite places for dinner down at Desert Ridge. It's a yummy place called "Islands." I told Kelly about the "Yaki" tacos, and she was very happy with them. I'm not sure what I was thinking. I tried something different and it just wasn't as satisfying. :(

{week of apr. 6 - apr. 12}

2009-04-06T01:26:00.000-07:00

sunday, april 12, 2009

Easter - When I think, on this day specifically, just what the Savior did for me, I feel humbled at His grace, mercy and love for me. I look at my children's faces and realize that no matter what choices they make in life I love them with every inch of my being. If I have that kind of love for them, I can't even begin to imagine the depth of love our Father in Heaven and elder brother Jesus Christ have for us. I wish I could remember this point every second of every day, because then I'm sure I wouldn't make so many mistakes. The beauty of it all is knowing that because of Christ's atonement I can always repent for my mistakes - big or small.

saturday, april 11, 2009

We had two Easter Egg Hunts today. One at the church with a Break-the-fast breakfast for our wards 40 day fast. The other we had later at our house while there was a small break in the rain. We had brat's and burgers. It was a really fun day.

friday, april 10, 2009

Lot's of just thinking going on this week in pictures. It's been almost two years since I made one of the most difficult decisions in my life. I knew then and I still know that it was the right decision. I know that both Patrick and myself have learned a great deal about ourselves and grown in many ways. I know that I was able to be a better mother to the other three than I otherwise would have been. I know that our relationship, mine and Patrick's, is so much stronger than it might have been. It's hard to think that I basically had to turn over the responsibilities as a parent, but I know without a doubt that I did the best thing I could do for Patrick, Me and the other kids. I am positive that we as an entire family would not be in as good a place emotionally if I hadn't made the choice I made two years ago. Here's to HOPE - hope for an amazing future ahead for our family.

thursday, april 9, 2009

A huge group of us (about 24) met on the lawn in front of the Visitor's Center for the Mesa LDS Temple. Every year hundreds of volunteers put on this wonderful pageant before Easter called Jesus the Christ. Before the pageant starts the actors come out and meet and talk with the audience. When Lucas saw this particular actor (who was John the Baptist,) he pointed and said, "Mom, it's Jesus."

wednesday, april 8, 2009

This is a problem...and I don't know what to do? Oh yeah, call a sprinkler expert to come and fix the whole system for a bucket load of money. I know this is part of being a home owner, but can I just give a primal yell of aggravation anyway?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

At least now it's all fixed, and I'll soon forget the pain to my pocket book.

tuesday, april 7, 2009

This is a funny story. A year ago I had to replace my windshield, and about one week later a rock hit my brand new windshield. Funny...right? The crack stayed small and contained in the upper right corner, without growing, for ten months. One day when Doug was with me, he said, "I can force the end of that crack to go up to the top so it won't continue across the front of the whole windshield." So he proceeded by putting just the right amount of pressure in the right spot so the crack would head straight to the top. Guess what the crack did instead? It zoomed straight left across the middle. He tried one more time because it wasn't in front of the driver's side yet, but it just leaped right past the new pressure point and well now you see why I have a new windshield. I think it's hilarious. We hadn't been dating very long when this happened, so he felt awful, but I just laughed.

monday, april 6, 2009

I took this picture, because it still never ceases to amaze me that both of these two boys are my sons. One older, ready to take on the world and become his own man. He graduates in a little over a month and will be off to college next fall. The other other one, young and still needing his mama in many ways to help him along the way even though he often tells me, "I tan do it." Then you put the two other children in the middle with their varying needs, and WOW! What an amazing and varied life I'm blessed to lead. I see Patrick and think, "I've come so far, and grown and changed." But then I look at Lucas and think, "I've got so far to go; so many improvements to make and lessons to learn." It's strange how it seems like just yesterday that Patrick, our first little toddler, learning and growing and needing us so much; in the blink of an eye, has grown up and is going off to find his own way in the world. He is still learning and growing and, yes, in many ways still needs us; but it is different now. Good, but different. I'm so excited for what lies ahead for Patrick. There's so much self discovery during this time in his life. My prayers for his success and happiness will never change. I guess this specific picture got me just thinking.

{week of march 30 - apr 5}

2009-03-30T00:55:00.000-07:00

sunday, april 5, 2009

Wow...conference was amazing. Two days of wonderful counsel and spiritual uplift from our prophet and the apostles. Each year as I get older, the magnitude of having a living prophet on the earth to lead and guide us, becomes more and more fantastic. It brings me so much peace and comfort. I wanted to soak in every word. Of course with kids, some things are missed. That's why I'm so grateful for the special issue of the Ensign every six months with every talk reprinted. It's wonderful to read the words over and over again. It really was amazing.

saturday, april 4, 2009

C, T, and L have been so excited for Patrick to come home for his Spring break from college in Montana. It's all Tess could focus on for the last week. Funny story though. He was supposed to come in last night. We were all set to go pick him up and grab dinner on the way home. He calls and informs us that the plane out of Kalispell is very delayed and he won't make his connection in Salt Lake. The airline put him up in a hotel and he finally made it this morning. He handled the whole ordeal like a pro. The reunion was delayed, but it was no less exciting this morning.

friday, april 3, 2009

I have lots of decor for different holidays, so I wasn't really planning on buying any new decor for Easter. But...Tess and I were at the grocery store, and Tess sees this really cute fat chick. I was tempted, but still thought "No, we don't need another stuffed animal." But then Tess read the tag "9 inch PHAT chick," and we both looked at each other and laughed right out loud. We had to have this 9 inch phat chick as part of our family, so into our cart he went.

thursday, april 2, 2009

I busted a gut when Lucas came around the corner in these boots and the lei. He'd gotten into the dress up box, and this is what he came up with. To top it all off, he didn't have shorts on, which happens to be his favorite dress right now. So it really was quite the look. Disclaimer...I know Lucas is in the same shirt for the last three pictures. First, he loves this shirt. Second, the last two pictures were taken on the same day. Yes he wore the same shirt two days in a row. I'm living on the wild side and I let him choose what he wanted. We were just hanging around the house and you know what? It didn't kill anyone for him to wear the same shirt again.

wednesday, april 1, 2009

This was so funny. My dad had called to check on us and say hello. He wanted to talk to Lucas. Lucas was talking along and answering questions, but then he saw his new Happy Meal toy "Susan" from the Monsters vs. Aliens movie. He was telling Grandpa all about it. Of course my dad had no idea who "Susan" was, so Lucas was trying to show him...through the phone. He kept saying, "See Grandpa, see, this is Susan." I could hardly contain my laughter. That's the joy brought about by a three year old.

tuesday, march 31, 2009

We went to this cool park in Tuscon to feed the ducks. Lucas had a blast, but I think he wanted to eat the crackers more than he wanted to feed them to the ducks. I found it so interesting to see such a huge variety in one little pond. Usually all I've seen is Mallards, but there were lots of different kinds.

monday, march 30, 2009

This is the face of someone who met a Prickly Pear cactus up close. Poor little Lucas. You can see the pure feelings of "Ouch" and "You want me to smile for this?" Just kidding. I didn't ask him to smile. He loves to have his picture taken, and he especially loves looking at the pictures of himself. There are so many teeny, tiny little prickers in his arm that you can't even see. He was very brave while I pulled them out. So sad. The neighbors actually removed that bush a week later. This was the first encounter with a cactus for Lucas.

{week of march 23 - march 29}

2009-03-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

sunday, march 29, 2009

After church the kids were playing games with G-pa and Margy. They had the dominoes out and Chase set up the domino track. He is so sweet and patient and loving with Lucas. Even though Chase sets it up, he let's Lucas push the first domino to start the chain reaction. This was one of them, and it worked perfectly. Everyone cheered and hurrayed!!!

saturday, march 28, 2009

We went to the Phoenix Zoo today. We rented this little (okay large) bike contraption. The kids loved it, although with all our weight, we had to get out and push it a few times. It was just too heavy to peddle up some of the hills. The shade was great though. It's a cool zoo with some great

friday, march 27, 2009

Grandpa Ray and Margy came for the weekend. The kids were so excited. We went to see the Real 3-D Monsters vs. Aliens movie. It was a cute movie. The 3-D is really amazing. Chase was helping out with his school's activity tonight called "Rock the Band."

thursday, march 26, 2009

This whole desk area was quite a disaster before this picture. I spent a good part of today getting it a little more organized and cleaned up. I was trying to use another area in the house for my office, but it wasn't working so I'm going to try and move it up here. Of course today as I'm typing this from said spot, it's not looking quite as tidy as this photo. Oh well. I'm working on it.

wednesday, march 25, 2009

I don't know about you, but stores are closing left and right down here right now. Having a "space available" sign in a store front window is becoming a common sight. The economy is a little scary right now to say the least, and I'm not seeing our new president helping this situation any. Wasn't a fan of Obama before and he hasn't changed my opinion now he's in office.

tuesday, march 24, 2009

Tess is a wonderfully sweet and giving daughter who helps me around the house and with Lucas so much. However, her room is usually quite the opposite of this picture. It is often a spot of contention between us. So when I saw not only her bed made, but all decorated with her build-a-bear animals. I just had to document the moment.

monday, march 23, 2009

At 42 It's quite possible that I'm more than half done with my earthly life. I'm feeling pretty good about being the age I am. I'm feeling pretty good about the things I've accomplished, the way I look and the prospects for my future. I still have things I want to do and see, but if I died tomorrow, I wouldn't have any regrets. My son was the photographer for this pic and he loves tilting the camera so I just had to use one of his artistic tilted shots depicting "42." I had an absolutely fantastic birthday. I had wishes from tons of people on Facebook. I got lots of cards and phone calls. I went out for a fabulous dinner and the most amazing Strawberry Shortcake dessert. We watched a pretty funny movie. Laid under the stars. It was just a really great day!

{week of march 16 - march 22}

2009-03-16T15:33:00.001-07:00

sunday, march 22, 2009

Every Sunday this is where the kids and I are first thing in the morning. Being edified and lifted up by the spirit. I love church. I love learning. I love feeling the spirit. I love being able to begin each week with the spirit and a fresh start.

saturday, march 21, 2009

This show was in Scottsdale on tour. I had been wanting to see it, but time kept slipping by. Finally I decided I was taking myself for my birthday and Doug was nice enough to come along as my date. The horses were beautiful and it was fun, but I have to say it wasn't quite what I expected. At least I can say I went. The rest of the evening was great though. We went over to Desert Ridge shopping center and ate some great food and talked by the fireplace.

friday, march 20, 2009

We took the girls to see Jonas Brother: The 3D Concert experience, hence the 3D glasses picture...clever eh? You know what? It was really fun. I was completely entertained and enjoyed their music and I have to admit they are pretty cute too. Tess has a crush on nick. All the girls really enjoyed themselves and it was a fun outing with our friends.

thursday, march 19, 2009

This is my fireplace vent right out our back doors under the porch. This nice little morning dove couple. Came back again after last year and set up house even through my futile attempts to keep them away. Now you can see the fruits of their labors. There are two little babies peeking out from under the mommies body.

wednesday, march 18, 2009

Before we headed out today, we hit the beach. This is Little Corona Beach in Corona Del Mar. Even though it was misty we had a blast exploring the tide pools, where we found tons of sea cucumbers (I think that's what they were) and hermit crabs, a few anemone's and urchins. I spent a fair amount of time searching for sea glass. I came home with some beautiful pieces. The kids tried daring the cold water, but didn't last too long. I've yet to find starfish in tide pools like I found at Moss Beach. I went tide pooling right before we left Stanford almost 14 years ago.

tuesday, march 17, 2009

This is Doug. Doug and I have been dating for 2 1/2 months. We've been having a great time getting to know each other. It's definitely a learning experience when you spend all day for almost five full days with each other. I think we managed making sure everyone got to do everything they wanted with little or no contention. I'm thinking that's pretty amazing. Oh and Happy St. Patrick's Day...notice I'm in green!

monday, march 16, 2009

A few times we ended the night at Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Tess happens to love this ride. Come to think of it, this used to be one of Chase's favorite rides too. I noticed that this ride seems to make an appearance in my pictures every time we've gone to Disneyland. I like this picture especially because it's taken at night. Chase and I say it everytime, "I love being here at night near closing time. Most people have left, things are more quiet, and it feels like we are the only ones left in the park." Disneyland is definitely MAGIC for our us.

{week of march 9 - march 15}

2009-03-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

sunday, march 15, 2009

This is one of our favorite places when we go to Disneyland. It's over in California Adventure in Hollywood Pictures Backlot. It's called Disney Animation. This big room with huge screens all over plays clips from all the animated Disney movies. Some screens have stills while the others are action. The music from the movies plays and it's just awesome. It's a great place to get out of the weather and sit down to relax. There's lots of fun things for the kids to explore in here too. It's a great place to take in some magic.

saturday, march 14, 2009

Doug and his daughter are going to D-land with us. The kids were playing Mario Kart Wii right here. It's pretty funny to see the way they are all focused on the screen as the play. We'll be spending a ton of time together, so I guess we'll see how if we still want to hang out after this. I've been told these are good tests for a relationship.

friday, march 13, 2009

Bags all packed and ready to go. We are leaving tomorrow morning bright and early. Tess is always packed about a week ahead of time. I love her and the way she attacks everything. I'm not sure if she's like me in that way. I'm trying to enjoy the journey of life. Tess is often looking ahead to "what's next" before we've even started the "right now." But I know I'm impatient sometimes, so maybe I'm not as good at enjoying the moment as I should be.

thursday, march 12, 2009

LAUNDRY?@$%*&!
Need I say more...there is never a time that I can say "The laundry is done." Always before I've finished folding and putting away the last batch, someone has discarded something new into their laundry basket. This was my basket of clean clothes, so I can pack for Disneyland. Yeah...we love that place!

wednesday, march 11, 2009

"The ring around the Moon (moon halo) is caused by the refraction of Moonlight (which of course is reflected sunlight) from ice crystals (usually from cirrus clouds) in the upper atmosphere. Weather folklore says that a ring around the moon signifies bad weather is coming, and in many cases this may be true." Found this info online. I took this a few days ago. The picture didn't come out as clear as it was in person. Pretty cool thing, huh!?

tuesday, march 10, 2009

This boy just loves "Blues Clues." I don't know how many pictures I already have of him watching this show. He usually watches downstairs with me and we watch episodes that I have TiVo'd. Today he disappeared upstairs where the little TV/VCR was plugged in and put in his own tape of "Blue's Clues." This is the way I found him. Fast asleep, with his favorite show in the background.

monday, march 9, 2009

These two are a funny, silly, pair of friends. They have a love/hate relationship. They both want to play with each other all the time, but they also both want to be "the boss" of what they do. Not only would Mark not think it's cute to have let him dress up in a cheerleading outfit, but then to have it be a "UTAH" cheer outfit...that would send him over the top. Sorry Mark. It was funny, and look at his hip action. He was totally into it! HILARIOUS!!!

{week of march 2 - march 8}

2009-03-02T08:35:00.000-07:00

sunday, march 8, 2009

Often times it's the most simple gift that means the most. I received these beautiful wild flowers from Doug. It was so sweet and thoughtful of him to bring them to me. I smiled every time I came into the kitchen and saw them on the table. I only wish they lasted longer.

saturday, march 7, 2009

Going to the temple is such a peaceful and spiritual uplift. I love being in the House of the Lord. I can feel the spirit and focus on the more important things of this life. I can get so caught up in all the everyday stuff, but the temple can bring me back to what's really important.

friday, march 6, 2009

Birthday dinner.
Singing the Happy Birthday song.
Eating cake.
Opening presents.
Celebrating LIFE with friends and family...it just doesn't get any better.

thursday, march 5, 2009

Stack:
–noun
1. a more or less orderly pile or heap: a precariously balanced stack of books; a neat stack of papers.

I have come to a reconciliation that I will always have stacks around my house. It's my flaw and I'm trying to embrace it rather than hate it.

wednesday, march 4, 2009

I've been practicing a song with some other ladies from church that we are going to perform this Sunday. It's a really beautiful song about coming together as sisters and becoming one with God. It's a wonderful message. This piano is about 10 years old. I don't play well or often, but I do love the sound it makes. I love when Chase sits down and plays the few pieces he knows, or when he plays around with a new song.

tuesday, march 3, 2009

This is the greatest place. There's a water feature of fountains right near this enormous fireplace that is two sided. Doug and I went to dinner and a movie and then talked for awhile sitting right in this spot. It was a really fun night. The music, the sound of the fountains, the chill of the night but the warmth of the fire, the clear sky and great company.

monday, march 2, 2009

Yes that would be my daughter jumping into the pool. We don't have a thermometer, so I'm just guessing that the temp was around 65. She and Lucas ended up actually swimming around and jumping in for about 20 minutes. The day was hot, but not hot enough for me to brave the water yet. It's coming though! :)

{week of feb. 23 - march 1}

2009-02-23T10:56:00.000-07:00

sunday, march 1, 2009

Diane and I have talked often how there is something special about catching people in photos from behind. It feels as if you are witnessing a special moment between the people without disturbing their privacy. Dad had taken Lucas out to see if they could see any of the fish in the pond. Just a quiet moment between a Grandpa and his grand son. One little photo can say so much. The story can be felt even though there are no words.

saturday, february 28, 2009

My Uncle Leon passed away this week and my sister and I drove to Utah for his funeral. I loved my Uncle Leon. I didn't see him as often as I wish I had, but I treasure the memories I have of him. My dearest memory was his challenge to a footrace whenever I came to visit. He was so fast and he always beat me. Once I finally beat him, and he never challenged me again. I know he could beat me now. I was grateful to hear the fun memories of him from when he was younger. His kids and grand kids shared stories; some that I didn't know and some that I had experienced with him myself. The picture it painted made him even more special and dear to me. He always told me he wanted me to sing at his funeral, and I was honored to be able to sing for him one last time.

friday, february 27, 2009

"I don't want to see," he said as the scary dinosaur part was coming on the movie Journey to the Center of the Earth. Isn't it funny that our need to see just overcomes our fear even at such a young age. It proves that temptation is a very hard thing to resist even in the youngest most innocent of souls. This picture just makes me smile.

thursday, february 26, 2009

This, my friends, is a dish I have eaten since I can remember. We call it Eggs Ala Goldenrod. I have found only a few people in my lifetime who eat this same dish. You hard boil eggs. Make a white gravy. Add the whites of the eggs to the gravy. Take the yokes and mash them up. Make toast. Put the gravy over the toast and then sprinkle the mashed yolks on top. It's simple, but oh so delicious. I made it tonight because the guy I'm dating was telling me I needed to try this great dish his mom makes called Goldenrod. I couldn't believe it. Someone who knows this same dish, small world? Maybe...we'll see. My kids were thrilled that there was a reason to make Egg Ala, as we call it for short. They love it. I might have mentioned that this Christmas we made it our new traditional morning breakfast dish. YUMMM!!!!

wednesday, february 25, 2009

I spend a lot of time in front of this computer. Honestly...TOO MUCH TIME...in front of this computer. Today, however, was with great purpose. I've got pictures all over the place on here, in tons of different folders. I was trying to get some organization to it all. I made some great progress, but I still have work to do. It's an important part of my history keeping. I'm not going to feel guilty about this part of my computer time. It's the Facebook, Gmail and random surfing that I've got to get under control. I vow to do it!!! I will take control of my life.

tuesday, february 24, 2009

This has been a very common view for me and Lucas over the last year or so. Lucas is a very picky eater. I've never had a child who is THIS PICKY! He is so far from the normal child eating habits that it baffles me. Most like cheese, french fries, potatoes, pasta, chicken nuggets and such, but not Lucas. He almost exclusively loves "hangaburs." It's ridiculous, but true. I've taken the easy way out and just dashed to Mickey D's often to grab a little cheese "hangabur" for lunch. I've got to fix this little problem...soon.

monday, february 23, 2009

Almost every night there is a sunset that takes my breath away. I've always loved sunsets. My kids even know how much I love them, because they appreciate their beauty as well, and love to point them out to me. I never tire enjoying a good sunset.

{week of feb. 16 - feb. 22}

2009-02-16T17:09:00.000-07:00

sunday, february 22, 2009

Best Picture - "Slumdog Millionaire"
haven't seen
Best Director - Danny Boyle "Slumdog Millionaire" - haven't seen
Best Actor - Sean Penn "Milk"
haven't seen
Best Actress - Kate Winslet "The Reader"
haven't seen
Best Supporting Actor - Heath Ledger "The Dark Knight"
saw - he was great, but I just wonder if getting into such an evil sinister role
might have contributed to his depression before dying
Best Supporting Actress - Penelope Cruz "Vicky Christina Barcelona"
haven't seen
Best Animated Feature - "Wall-E"
Yeah!!!!!!!! Finally a great film for the WHOLE FAMILY.

saturday, february 21, 2009

Birthdays! So much fun. My niece's little son turned two a few days ago and today we got to go celebrate with everyone for his big day. This is the face of pure pleasure after having free reign to devour with both hands two personal cupcakes just for him. We all got to ice and decorate our very own cupcakes. What a great party.

friday, february 20, 2009

So remember back when I had my accident on the quad, well under the big scrape was a large mass of something. I went to see the doctor and she sent me to get it aspirated (sucked out.) I know gross, huh? They were worried that the blood might have started to congeal, which would mean they couldn't suck it out. They did a little ultrasound, numbed a spot near my scrape (OW!)and then pulled 75 cc's (almost a 1/2 cup) of blood from my leg. ***This is a representation made with Crystal Light Ruby Red, just so you could have a visual of how much fluid was under my skin. AWWWW...it feels so much better now.

thursday, february 19, 2009

Our stake had planned an Enrichment Night planned for the sisters at the Visitor's Center at the Mesa Temple, where we watched "Joseph Smith The Prophet of the Restoration" movie. I've seen it before, but the spirit was very strong as I watched this story again. I was moved to tears as I watched the depiction of a beloved prophet of God going through so much pain and adversity with such a strong Faith and Hope. I have no doubt he is a prophet of God. It has been testified to me through the spirit so many times. I am so grateful for his example of Faith and Hope. This was a wonderful night. I was lucky to be with wonderful friends and family, feel of the spirit of God's grace and enjoy the beauty of one of His glorious temples.

wednesday, february 18, 2009

These gorgeous ladies are my visiting teachers. They took Lucas and I out to lunch today. We met at a new place for me called "Blowfish." I knew they served sushi, which I have very little experience with, but they also had my favorite - shrimp tempura with tempura vegetables. It was delicious. They are the sweetest gals and I just love visiting with them and being friends with them. I'm a very lucky girl.

tuesday, february 17, 2009

After my visit to Utah, I came home with a variety of sweet gifts from Gma Mary. This little "duck" hat was for Lucas and he loved it. We had a whole photo shoot of different faces and angles with the duck hat on. As I was thinking about it just now, I realized that he is often wearing some kind of hat in almost every picture. He wears them mainly because he doesn't like having his hair done (squirted down and combed,) therefore, he asks to wear a hat instead. I love him in hats so it works for me. Everyone leaves the house happy...unless he wants a specific hat and we can't find it!

monday, february 16, 2009

We sort of have a tradition to hit a movie on these Monday holidays from school. We used to have sleepovers with the Giles the night before as well. Even with no sleepover, the kids were excited to go to the movies today. We chose to see "Coraline." It seemed reminiscent of Tim Burton's "Nightmare Before Christmas" and all my kids love that movie and others by him. This was fantastically animated and detailed. It's a cute little story, but scary. Lucas was a tiny bit frightened by the button-eyed mom that turns into a spider. I was able to calm him by saying she's very similar to Jack Skellington from "Nightmare." He loves Jack, so that made things a little better. I love these kids. I'm only sad Patrick couldn't join us. He would have loved this movie.

{week of feb. 9 - feb. 15}

2009-02-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

sunday, february 15, 2009

Patrick is taking a guitar class at the community college. He started off at Beginner level, but the teacher moved him up to Intermediate. It was really nice to hear him play. He's very good, and occasionally he sings as he's playing. That's my favorite. We had such a wonderful visit. I'm so excited for his future. I think he's going to have great success and fun at school. Now we just have to wait to hear back from the schools.

saturday, february 14, 2009

We headed down to Missoula fairly early this morning to go check out the city and campus of University of Montana. Patrick has applied to school there. The gal who plays basketball had another game down in Missoula today too, so we went to watch her play again. These are both friends of P's from Montana Academy. The other picture is me eating a "Velveteen Bison" wrap. Yes...I can now say I've eaten bison, and it was A...MAZ...ING! I know a great place to eat if P ends up going to U of M!

friday, february 13, 2009

I am in love with this place - HuHot. It's one of those places where you grab bowl (or two) fill them with meats, noodles, veggies, spices and sauces; then you give your bowl to a guy who stir fry's it all together on a huge hot plate. There is a peanut sauce that I can't get enough of, but what makes it the best is I can pile a ton of cilantro in my bowl. I love that herb. Anyway, I was totally looking forward to going there as part of my trip.

thursday, february 12, 2009

It was so amazingly beautiful inside the new Draper Temple. This is right up from my old house in Utah, so there's a sentimental pull to it for me. I was so grateful to have my sweet friend go with me. It really was so peaceful and gorgeous. I'm always amazed at the attention to details that go into the temples. I tried to take in every little detail I could. I could feel the spirit so strong and I now I can't wait to go back in the summer when I go to the temple to do work. I got to see my FIL and his wife for lunch before I flew to MT for the weekend with Patrick. I got to MT in time to see one of P's good friends play in a big basketball game. She was awesome. She scored 37 points and broke the school record for most points. Great day!

wednesday, february 11, 2009

Happy Birthday to my mother-in-law. I met her and two of my SIL's for lunch at TGIFriday's and had a blast catching up. Of course I forgot to take a picture there. After that I went to check out the new office building that my BIL and good friend/dentist had built in my old home town. It was gorgeous, but I burst into tears when I happened to notice this plaque as I entered the building. I didn't know they were going to do that. I was emotional the rest of the day. I wasn't expecting all those emotions. The picture below was taken at the old PGHS gymnasium. My niece was performing her final drill team dance for Senior night. I can't believe she's already graduating. That...does not mean I'm getting old.

tuesday, february 10, 2009

It was so great to be back with my girls in Utah. I love all these guys so much. I'm only sad I wasn't able to see everyone. Hugs to those I missed. It was a sunny winter day, but so cold for my acclimated Arizona self. Kristie and I did a little shopping - so fun. Then we picked up Asian Star (best food ever) for dinner. Thanks Jen for letting all of us come over and eat and hang in your gorgeous basement. It was such a blast. I couldn't have asked for a more enjoyable evening. Seriously, these gals are so amazing. I've been so blessed to know these wonderful women.

monday, february 9, 2009

Oh, Lucas. He didn't just want to watch Blue's Clues. He wanted to watch the VHS tape we have, and on the little TV on the stairs where Tessa had been doing Sing star on the Wii. Notice pajamas from where he changed, a waffle in bowl, "light savor" on stairs...he's set. What a kid!

Just so you know! or This isn't fair! - couldn't decide on perfect title

2009-02-03T23:52:00.004-07:00

Just so you know, I try not to say "this isn't fair," but sometimes I can't help it. I was just looking at some different photos of friends and reading about some others adventures on Facebook, and you know what I saw. Happy couples with their kids smiling and living life. Going on family vacations. Doing things with other couples. Maybe some of them some of the time are taking each other for granted or maybe a lot of the time they honor, cherish and adore each other. My life like that is gone, and right this minute I'm just thinking, "THIS ISN'T FAIR." I want it back, all of it. I don't want to be where I am. This is hard and lonely. I'm sad, and you know this dating thing well, it's not really all that fun. There's baggage. Both sides have baggage. Baggage doesn't mean bad. My baggage would be defined as four kids (good, not bad), I am a widow (good, not bad) and I had a great husband (good, not bad.) None of these things are bad, but when another person is looking, four kids might just be too much. Being a widow means I'm already happily sealed for eternity, and most men are looking for someone they can be happily sealed to for eternity. Having had an incredible, loving friend as a husband means the men aren't sure they're going to measure up. Now I'm not saying I don't have any "bad" baggage, but of course I'm not going to throw it all out there for everyone. Now of course we haven't even talked about the baggage that dating prospects hold, and likewise they have good and bad baggage. Well trying to find two people that can meld all the good and bad is darn near impossible. Now I know ya'll are thinking. "Seriously? You've just gotten back into dating. Where is all this coming from?" Well let me tell you, I've just been thinking an awful lot about this. I've watched people I know go through it, and I've been talking to lots of guys that are twice divorced now, because they all thought they could get past the baggage they both brought to the second marriage. That didn't happen, and now they're out looking for someone else. I know that all this searching and finding the right one takes time and patience, but what does that really mean - "the right one." If I already had "the right one," then what the heck do you call what I'm looking for now - "the okay one" or "the other right one?"

SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!??????????? (I know one exclamation point and question mark are all you need, but this illustrates how my face is looking when I ask this question.)

Sorry, I usually don't do this, but when I was looking at all those happy couples I just lost it, and all I know is right this minute it just doesn't seem fair. Every other minute of the day, I don't feel this way. I'm strong and realistic and I know that others have crap they have to deal with that I would never want. During those other minutes I'm actually grateful for my life and how I've been blessed. But right now I'm having a major pity party for myself, and this is where I let it all out.

I know I was lucky to have had a great marriage for 18 years. I know I was lucky to be loved like I was loved by Mark. I know I'm lucky to have four amazing kids because of that marriage and love. I know I'm lucky to have an incredible family both mine and Mark's that love and support me. I know I'm lucky to have the most amazing friends, that also love and support me. There's more I know it. I'm not ungrateful! I also know that nothing is FAIR! But...then...after my ranting and my anger subside, I know that my Father in Heaven is still there. He still loves me, and I know that with His help, I will make it.

Wow...I'm not even going to reread this one...I'd probably end up deleting half of it. So you get the raw, uncut version.

{week of feb. 2 - feb. 8}

2009-02-02T16:45:00.000-07:00

sunday, february 8, 2009

This is the physical evidence proving that one should not attempt to jump a quad over a 12 foot sand dune. I also bruised or cracked my ribs. They actually feel worse than my leg, even though the leg looks horrible. I was super lucky that this is all that happened to me. I remember when I was in the air thinking, "Oh, crap, this isn't going to end well." Before the accident happened, however, I was having such a great time. The sand spread out endlessly before us, and I felt like I could take on the world...and I guess I tried...oops!

saturday, february 7, 2009

Because I'd gotten hurt, I didn't get out to take many pictures. I managed to get a picture of Tess on this little three wheeler. She would just putt around right next to camp and had a good time. Chase and Lucas took a few rides around on this as well. Chase ventured a little further out on a big quad, and really enjoyed it. It had rained during the night and part of this morning, but it cleared up enough for everyone (but me) to get some more good rides in. By the time we were packing to go, it was raining pretty hard again. We had a great time. It is a beautiful place.

friday, february 6, 2009

So I mentioned that we pulled into the dunes late, and in the dark we pulled to close to stump with the trailer. We tried to back up before we punctured a tire or something and ended up getting the truck's wheels stuck in the soft sand. This was the scene the next morning as the "guys" were getting it unstuck. I was amazed that they pulled it off. Notice Lucas in the foreground just watching the whole event. It was pretty funny. Oh and today is the day I went for a ride with Doug on the quads and thought I was Evil Knievel. {see sunday for evidence of said silly thought}

thursday, february 5, 2009

The kids and I headed out to the Imperial Sand Dunes in California for a few days with a guy I'm dating and his kids. We left after school, so we got there when it was dark. Tessa and his daughter hit it off right away. They were up in the front bedroom of the trailer playing DS and drawing pictures.

wednesday, february 4, 2009

This is such a funny story. I was running errands with my sister when she saw this moon in a completely cloudless sky. She asked me, "Is that a small cloud?" To which I replied, "Um, that's the moon." She said it couldn't be the moon, because the moon just isn't out that bright in the middle of the day. I was thinking she was kidding me. I'm not poking fun, because lately my brain's definitely not functioning on full power anymore either. Let's just say I had a good chuckle.

tuesday, february 3, 2009

I've had this waffle iron for almost 20 years. It was a wedding present. It was acting up a little today when I was making our favorite Krustee's Belgian waffles, and I was so sad that it might be dying. This iron is so seasoned and they just don't make them like this anymore. I know, because I love giving one as a wedding present. Anyway, I can't believe it's been going strong for 20 years. I hope it's got another 20 left in it somehow.

monday, february 2, 2009

I love this boy's mind. He saw this large empty balloon in my room and his mind started working. He went and filled it with water and then attempted to bounce it on the tramp until it popped, which it never did. I took tons of photo's with my new camera. I loved lot's of them, but these are the one's we picked out together. His final experiment was filling up about 20 large balloons with water. Then he did a belly flop on them. He wasn't expecting that it would hurt, so it caught him off guard when it felt like a belly flop in a pool.

{week of jan. 26 - feb. 1}

2009-01-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

sunday - february 1, 2009

Superbowl XLIII - I've never been a huge NFL football fan, but the Superbowl is always different and since I live in Arizona now and the Cardinals were playing, I thought it only appropriate to host a little party. It was pretty fun if I say so myself. I had made some good food. My brothers were still in town so they came over for a bit before they had to go catch a flight. My sister and her family, my mom and Doug were with us to the end of the sad outcome of the game. Honestly, I wasn't too devastated. We finished up the night with a game of "Sardine's" which pleased Tessa greatly. She always wants to play it.

saturday - january 31, 2009

What a wonderful, beautiful day. This sweet woman, Rachel, was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints today by my brother. My brother's son & girlfriend, daughter & husband and my other brother & his wife were able to fly in from Utah. It was really fun to get together and celebrate. Hopefully, Rachel will be part of our family at sometime. She has the most amazing spirit. I just love her and I am so happy for her.

friday - january 30, 2009

I'm not sure why Lucas was so tired today. In hindsight, since that's when I'm writing it, he was coming down with a cold. Anyway, while I was doing bills at my desk, he crawled underneath by my feet. The next thing I knew he had fallen asleep right there. These are the sweet happenings that I never want to forget.

thursday - january 29, 2009

I called my good friend and invited her and her daughter to come to McDonald's for a lunch date. I remember having lunch dates with Patrick when he was about this age all the time. Lucas loves Mickey D's "hang-a-bers." That's almost all he eats. He's a tough one. You know, I'm not going to be able to have these lunch dates much longer, so I'm going to enjoy as many as I can. Notice these games consoles; they are the only play things in this POSH upscale Scottsdale McDonald's. I've never been in such a fancy fast food restaurant.

wednesday - january 28, 2009

I'm in charge of Activity Day's in my ward. We were putting together "Journal Jars." The girls had a lot of fun. They are so sweet. I love these girls. Notice Lucas on the floor; he's crying (the entire time) because he doesn't get a jar for himself. The girls were helping each other out and being sweet to Lucas. It was a fun night.

tuesday - january 27, 2009

Morning Hair! This picture didn't really capture it in it's beauty, but it was so funny that I had to put it in for the day. Between him and Chase, I've always got someone waking up with wings for hair. I'll have to catch Chase's sometime. Lucas loves these frozen Leggo waffles for breakfast.

monday - january 26, 2009

So I know this probably seems gross. I'm going to see a doctor to try and get my body in tip top shape. I haven't really been doing anything with my thyroid and it's most likely out of whack. This "spit" test will reveal something about what's going on with me, and it literally took all day so I thought this was the most appropriate picture for the day.

{week of jan. 19 - jan. 25}

2009-01-24T21:18:00.011-07:00

saturday january 24, 2009

Today this package arrived on our doorstep for Tessa's birthday. My kids and I are continually blessed by the sweetest family ever. The Adamson's continually remember each of our kids birthdays. Look at this darling hat and purse they sent Tessa. Bill was Mark's best friend and he and his family have been so good to us. We love them and appreciate them so much.

friday - january 23, 2009

I bought a new toy today. I've been wanting to do this for a very long time. I love taking pictures and I love my little point and shoot for everyday, take on trips, throw in your purse kinds of photos. But I want to take better photos, and I'd love to become a photographer. I think beautiful photos are magical and I love when I can make magic. I'm going to be reading up and practicing a lot.

thursday - january 22, 2009

While we were staying at my brother's over the weekend he showed us this Christmas present he got. Laser tag guns. He had purchased a whole bunch of extra sets that he was going to take back. Well we took them off his hands, and the kids have been having a blast having matches. Until I pulled up this photo, I hadn't noticed that Chase's new church basketball jersey was the #10. It just brought a little tear to my eye. The kids all ask for #10 because that was their dad's number.

wednesday - january 21, 2009

I've met a guy that lives in Prescott. Lucas and I went up for a day date. I didn't take this picture, but it is Thumb Butte. I found this gorgeous picture online. Doug had pointed it out to me when we went into town for lunch. I actually held up my thumb, and I could see the silhouette was the same. My plan was to take the picture myself, but clearly I didn't. After lunch we were going to go feed the ducks and see if we could find snow and let Lucas do some sledding. As we went to lunch we could tell Lucas was not feeling well. He fell asleep on the bench and didn't even eat. When we left I could tell he had a fever. Once we got him some Tylenol he got feeling so much better, and was bouncing off the walls. It was great day.

tuesday - january 20, 2009

On our drive home during daylight we passed through this area near Palm Springs with all these windmills. I've heard about this valley that has so much wind that they've built all these windmills to gather energy from the wind. Not only is it a grand idea, but it's really a spectacular site as well. It's usually been dark as I've driven through this spot, so it was fun to see this phenomenal place.

monday - january 19, 2009

It was a hard day, but a good day. As we waited in line and then rode "Soarin' Over California" the tears came freely. I could picture Mark sitting there watching the kids with pure joy on his face. He so loved this ride. Disneyland was a good place to be on this day. I think Mark might have smiled down on us a few times. Like at the end of the night when Lucas surprisingly decided to go on "Splash Mountain" three times, or as he watched his three children comfort and love their mother through a trying day.

It's a crazy world

2009-01-16T01:22:00.005-07:00

In 3 days, Mark will have been gone from this earthly life for two years. I'm taking the kids to Disneyland, so I won't be able to write on that day. So I was just thinking about that night and what happened. I don't remember a lot of details. I do remember the sounds coming from Mark as he began to breath slower and slower. The sound of his heartbeat as I laid there next to him. The sound of the machine that gave him medicine. The sound of voices from those around me, but none of them distinguishable. But with all those sounds that I can remember, I remember that is seemed so quiet. Maybe that was the peace of the comforter. It's not a memory I like to call up. I don't even remember where Lucas was that night. I don't know if he was in his bed or if someone was watching him. I remember the kids had all gone places earlier in the night. Then somehow I knew, I knew he was dying. I called the kids home. I vaguely remember that they might have been angry with me. They didn't understand why I was calling them home. I know I told them why, but I'm sure it wasn't sinking in yet. I'm not sure I/we had prepared them for what to expect. I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't ready, but I'm not sure we ever are. I wish I could go back and do so many things over again. I wish Mark could talk to me now. He helped me stay calm and level headed. I told him I could do this. I told him I would be fine. I didn't want him to worry about me and the kids. This is not easy. I think I'm doing a pretty good job, but I wish it could be more simple than it is. I'm fine. In fact I'm better than fine, but sometimes I just start thinking and sometimes I just need to put my thoughts down in words for my very own self-help therapy. My just thinking posts are going to be very random sporadic moments where I can just type my thoughts without a whole lot of editing. I think it will be good for me. I will ride "Soarin'" on Monday with the kids in your memory Mark. I think of you often and wish you could answer some heavy questions that are on my mind. I love you.

{week of jan. 12 - jan. 18}

2009-01-16T00:18:00.009-07:00

sunday - january 18, 2009

Tessa is 10!!! It was so fun today. Tessa got her birthday badge as soon as we got there and the entire park is very aware of these. Everyone was telling her Happy Birthday all day. She got to choose where we ate for dinner. She got to ride on Thunder Mountain with her Uncle Chad. This picture is of her getting a special phone call from Goofy wishing her a Happy Birthday. I hope she'll always remember this special birthday.

saturday - january 17, 2009

Great first day at Disneyland. It wasn't very crowded at all. We did have a little adventure however on the Thunder Mountain Railroad. We were just coming around to pull into the station when everything stopped. We waited for just a minute or two before we saw the workers sending everyone in line out. They told us the ride was closed and turned on some work lights. They came to our train and row by row got us out of our cars. We had to wait until everyone was out and then walk back to the station on the path. We had it easy being so close to the station, but some people had to hike from way back in the ride. I wonder if anyone was on a hill in a climb or something. We never did find out what happened. It was a cool memory though.

friday - january 16, 2009

We drove to my brother's house today after school. He is so generously putting us up for four nights. It's so fun to spend time with him. He's so thoughtful and selfless. My kids just love being around him and love when he comes to the park to ride the rides with them. In passing I mentioned how much I love the Sweet Crisps from the Corner Bakery Cafe. Guess who picks some up for me to have the next day for breakfast. Love you Chad. Tomorrow...Disneyland.

thursday - january 15, 2009

Look at these cute new glasses. Finally, she can see! They were a lot worse than I knew. I feel so bad, because I thought for awhile she was just wanting to get glasses because she thought it would be cool. I did take her to an optometrist a year ago and he didn't think she needed them then, so in one year it's gotten pretty bad. Maybe she's taking after her dad. Isn't she beautiful!

wednesday - january 14, 2009

I'm surprised we haven't experienced more of this. The kids have been outside constantly over the last 2-3 weeks. Riding bikes, scooters, electric jeeps, etc. I'm not sure what happened, but Lucas was pretty brave with his first major road burn. He wasn't very happy that I couldn't wipe it all away, and he didn't like the big bandage I put on either. He cried more over wanting the bandage to be removed than he did over getting the scrape. Always an adventure.

tuesday - january 13, 2009

I took this picture challenge from Becky Higgins. She is the creative mind behind "365" and she took a picture of herself in the rearview mirror of her car. I was running around in my car today a lot. Running errands with my mom and sis. Running my sis to pick up her car. Running Lucas home. Running back out to dinner. Driving back home. I love where I live, but if I want to go anywhere, I'm definitely going to be driving for awhile. So this is me {parked} in my car where I spend a lot of time.

monday - january 12, 2009

After school, my friend asked if I wanted to join her and her kids at the park. I invited my two friends from my neighborhood to come as well. I just can't get over how great it is to go to the park at this time of year. I LOVE IT! I even laid out earlier and got a line. Can you believe how awesome this is. I love all these new memories we're making.

{week of jan. 5 - jan. 11}

2009-01-14T10:27:00.010-07:00

sunday - january 11, 2009

I told Lucas I would make cookies after church if he would be a big boy and sit down during sharing time in primary. He is having the hardest time. I haven't made cookies for the longest time. I think I've lost all desire to be domestic. Needless to say, the kids had a blast and the cookies were the best cookies I've eaten in a long time.

saturday - january 10, 2009

So, it was finally time to take down Christmas. Okay it was overdue time to take down Christmas. The kids were awesome and we had it done fast. Chase was the "He" man and put that heavy tree in it's box and lugged it to the garage by himself. It's so great that he can do that kind of stuff now. Tessa was gathering all the little stuff from around the house while I packed up the Rubbermaid containers and stacked them back out on the shelves in the garage until next year. It's sad when Christmas is over, but there's something very therapeutic about putting all the decorations away and cleaning up to start fresh. (Even if it's not the first of January.)

friday - january 9, 2009

My dad got a new hip today. He was looking great and not in any pain which was awesome. Unfortunately, the next day after the spinal block had worn off, the pain set in pretty bad. I hope they can get it under control and help him sleep too. It's hard to heal when you can't sleep. It will be so great for him to be able to get around better in the near future. He was really suffering with a lot of pain before the surgery.

thursday - january 8, 2009

G-ma Mary gave the kids this great little kit to do the Coke with mento's explosion experiment. Many neighbors gathered in our circle to watch this grand display. It was over and done with in a matter of a couple of seconds. I was lucky enough to capture the fountain at it's highest point. It's pretty amazing to see the photo. The real time event was over too fast to really enjoy, but the anticipation was fun and I'm sure we'll try it again sometime.

wednesday - january 7, 2009

First of all, how hilarious is this. Could he get any closer to the television. Tess and I were dying. Second, Lucas in a top and unders only has been a common site over the last few days. He got "Big Boy" underwear from Santa, and he put them on Christmas day and had a very successful day for someone who hadn't been at all interested in trying out the potty. Then we digressed and went back to the diaper quickly, but yesterday as we took Chase back to school. (He had walked home after a lock down was over. There had been a shooting nearby earlier that morning, and the sheriff's office had told the district to lock down the nearby schools.) Lucas was very upset he wasn't "going to school" with Chase. I told him that he had to be wearing his underwear and going to the bathroom in the potty before he could go to school. It's been going great so far.

tuesday - january 6, 2009

I was getting ready for a date when I picked up my favorite lipstick - Maybeline #50 Pink-a-boo. I have been using this lipstick for 20 years. I remember wearing it in class at BYU before Mark and I even dated. I try lots of other colors and I mix them all up to create new colors, but this color has been a staple in my makeup bag for a long time. When I realized this fact, I just had to document this funny tidbit of my life.

monday - january 5, 2009

I promised the kids I would take them to spend their Christmas money from G-pa Ray and Margy. Tess got a motorized scooter, so she could zip around with the other two girls in our circle. Chase has gotten re-excited and interested in Lego's. Now, however he builds them and sets them up to display on his shelves. It's pretty fun to watch him painstakingly put these large models together. Lucas of course wants to play with them, and Chase is pretty generous at letting Lucas have a little playtime with the "big ships."

{week of dec. 29 - jan. 4}

2009-01-04T20:31:00.007-07:00

sunday - january 4, 2009

I drove Patrick to the airport this morning. It was great to have him home for such a long holiday break. It was sad to say goodbye, but he's excited about his next semester classes. Lucas became a SUNBEAM in primary today. He's so young. It's going to be a challenge for his teacher in sharing time, but I think he really enjoyed his class time. I had to bribe him to keep on the crown for a picture and to get him to smile. He's such a pill. The oldest and the youngest. Amazing.

saturday - january 3, 2009

Just funny little things the kids do. Lucas got that big box of Goldfish from Santa, and he's willing to share, but he doesn't want it to be taken away. I had told him he'd had enough, so the next thing I know he's hiding back in this little spot shoving in goldfish as fast as he can. Chase was bored as we were waiting for our food at the restaurant and came up with this trick, of course Tessa wanted to try it after that. I just love all the things kids do that bring a smile to my face.

friday - january 2, 2009

Met some friends at this dance studio and learned the Cha Cha. After the lessons they had a dance, so we could practice. It was a blast. I also got to dance some East Coast Swing, and the Ma range (I've never done that last dance before.) It was a blast. Then we went to the Single Adult dance after that. I was dancing for almost 4 hours straight. I LOVE it!

thursday - january 1, 2009

Geocaching (or treasure hunting) is our new family hobby. At least Santa is trying to bring that about. The big guy gave our family a GPS, and today we tried our first hunt. It was a two leg hunt, meaning with the first coordinates we found a clue to the cache. That bolt on the left is a magnet, and the second set of coordinates were on the back of it. It took forever to find. It was on a pagoda at the park with about 50 bolts on it. So cool. Sadly we couldn't find the cache at the final coordinates. We had a picnic at the park of crackers, meat and cheese. Threw the football, kicked the soccer ball, and basked in the sun. What a great way to spend the first day of the new year.

wednesday - december 31, 2008

First, we saw more of our friends from Draper today. It's so good to see our old friends. It makes me a little homesick. Have I already said that. Second, we went to see this movie "Seven Pounds" because we love Will Smith, the previews made it look good, but let me just say this is definitely not the "feel good movie of the year." I was definitely happy to go out dancing for the New Year and get my mind off that story.

tuesday - december 30, 2008

We enjoyed a tasty mexican feast and birthday festivities for sweet Gabby's birthday. She and Tessa are friends and Gabby's mom has become a dear friend of mine. I feel very lucky to have her in my life. Friends are the icing on the cake.

monday - december 29, 2008

This is why I live here. The sun was hot, the sky was beautiful and the company was fabulous. Our friends from Draper came through AZ for a quick visit. It was so wonderful to see them, and luckily the weather cooperated. We got together a couple of times. Today we were able to go to the pool and lay in the sun in the middle of winter.

{365 days}

2009-01-04T07:02:00.002-07:00

365 is a new challenge about taking a picture a day for an entire year and journaling about to attempt documenting your life everyday for one year. Now there was a scrapbook kit that I was going to use to do this. It was so ingenious that it got me excited about it. Unfortunately the entire scrapbooking world was just as excited and the kits were sold in less than two hours I believe. They are going to try and make more, but I'm afraid it's going to take awhile to get them, so I decided I'm going to do it right here and now on my blog. I'm actually a few days in to this new challenge/scrapbook project. I've been taking the pictures, but I haven't been journaling. I started my year with Monday, December 29 for purposes of keeping one full week together on the scrapbook layout. I'm going to follow that format mainly because I love the pictures I've taken so far. I won't necessarily be posting everyday, but I am going to attempt to take a picture everyday, and journal about it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2009-01-01T02:53:00.007-07:00

It's going to be a good one I'm certain.

To those who care, and I'm not really sure who most of you are, but some have asked, this is what I've been up to since my last post. The quick and easy version.

The cruise was awesome. I couldn't have enjoyed myself more. I went with my sister and there were four other friends as well. The six of us had the wildest fun 6 non-drinking righteous women can have. And let me tell you it was fun!!!!

We had a great Christmas. Tons of time playing, relaxing getting together with family and friends. We were lucky enough to see two families from our home back in Draper. LOVED THAT!

Last but not least. Insanely enough I thought maybe it was time to get back into dating. Right out of the starting gate I had a horribly crappy experience!!!!! Gullible and naive me thought that men of this dating age were actually mature, decent adults. Little did I know that scum still exists. It's baffling, but maybe because I have so many amazing people in my life that are honest and kind, I just assumed that most of human kind were that way. You know me, I haven't had enough crap in my life, so I go out and find more. Seriously though, I guess I did learn something valuable. I loved Mark more than life itself. I didn't plan on ever dating again in my life, partly because I didn't believe I had the capacity to love another human being the same way. I learned that my heart still had the ability to feel something. Clearly there wasn't a love to the same degree that I loved Mark, but the fact that my heart was broken, meant I had allowed it to feel again. I also learned that I hadn't grieved about losing my best friend and lover when Mark died. Those things go by the wayside and become so unimportant. I was trying to be strong for Mark, so he wouldn't have to spend his days worrying about our welfare. I was being strong for my kids. Also at that moment in time and since I had complete faith in the atonement and the belief that I will see Mark again, so I only allowed myself to think and do as if all was well. Now, move ahead to meeting someone online. You start talking to this someone. You share things with them. They share things with you. It's comfortable. You feel like you have a friend. You ook forward to talking with someone and sharing thing with them. Then you finally meet in person and still feel comfortable and you feel all silly inside because someone likes you. You want to hold hands. Communication, friendship with a guy and touch is an amazing thing when you've been without it. Having to lose this new found joy in such a cold, abrupt and mean way, just opened the floodgates of grief for me. I was angry with God, angry with Mark, angry with this guy and angry with myself. I know God doesn't MAKE things happen to cause us grief. He does, however, allow natural events to run their courses and sadly His children are hurt in the process. I prayed fervently to understand why I had to cross paths with this human being who has no regard for another. I was angry that God would allow this to happen to me. And all of this comes from one simple thing - SILENCE: the dead stillness of no sound. I'm not sure I will ever understand.

As usual once bucked off, you must dust yourself off and get back upon the horse. I went to a Single Adult New Year's Eve Dance and had a blast. I danced nearly every dance, mainly because I was doing the asking. When I was tired of asking, I'd go dance with the big group of girls who aren't getting asked either. Guys still stand around and don't ask. Are you kidding me? Are we not old enough to stop with all the games? I have to give a few guys credit for having the guts to come ask me to dance.

One of my resolutions is to keep up with my journaling. It is a release for me. I like having my history. I want to do this for me. So many things have happened that I don't remember, and that makes me sad. I resolve to make the time to journal the moments that move me and even some that don't.

So much for my sentence above about the quick and easy version. I guess I had a lot more that needed to get down in words.

Just Me

Taking the challenge

2008-11-30T07:12:00.001-07:00

I actually just read back through my own "Month of Gratitude." I am grateful I took the challenge upon myself. It was very revealing for me to look back and remind myself of what I am grateful for, and I know I will cherish having this record of my life. I have made some big decisions over the last 6 months. I've made huge move in more than ways than one. It's scary and exciting and new. I'm working daily to be patient, to enjoy every little detail and really experience life. I'm just grateful for it all. The good and the bad. I don't have to like the bad, and I don't. But when there's good thrown into the mix, I'll take it all. I'm grateful for my kids. I wish I could say perfectly just how wonderful they are. I am so blessed to have four children that love me and care for me and bring me so much joy. As the Christmas Season is now upon us, I challenge myself and anyone reading this to take a good look at the blessings in our lives. If we can see those more clearly we can find happiness through the trials.

Land

2008-11-29T08:52:00.001-07:00

Holy Cow!!!!!!!!!! I had the scariest, most nauseating plane ride of my life. I was pulling back to my memory any lamaze breathing lessons I could conjure up to try and keep my food from hurling back from my stomach into a teeny tiny white bag all while leaning as far forward as I could to try and minimize the movement, selecting to listen to Hillary Weeks (all about Christ) music as loud as I could to go to a happy place. It was like riding the worst roller coaster ride for what seemed like an hour. I kept thinking that if I was going to die in a plane crash, it certainly wasn't fair that I had to be feeling nauseous and throwing up all over to boot. The cute pilot kept coming telling us in a very calm voice that the plane was fine. It was handling the rough weather and we would be out of it soon. That helped calm my fears about crashing a little. There was a moment when my stomach rested and I pictured my kids faces. I couldn't help thinking how unfair it would be if I died and they were left with no parent at all. My tears started and the silent sobbing followed. I didn't believe I was going to die, but my emotions were pretty volatile in the state I was in. I also started to realize that my stomach was calming the more I was crying, so I didn't try to stop it. My poor sister didn't know what to do, but she kept rubbing my back which did make me feel better. I appreciated her comforting touch. Once the roller coaster stopped. It got a little better. I was breathing through my t-shirt so I couldn't smell any other smells that might trigger my own reflux. Needless to say we landed safe and sound and I have never been more grateful to put my feet on solid ground. (Side note - I think I slept 12+ hours that night. I was ready but nervous for a week of relaxation on the "rolling seas" which I'm still recovering from. I didn't get sick mind you, but the sea was definitely rockin' and I still catch myself rockin' from time to time. It was an amazing trip - details to follow.)

I'm going on a cruise!

2008-11-28T21:27:00.004-07:00

So this will be the last post in my Month of Gratitude until I get back from the cruise. I'm so excited and grateful for the chance to go and do something like this. My sister and I planned this over a year ago, and now it's time to go and enjoy. I can't wait to see the beauty of other parts of the world. I can't wait to lay on the beach. i can't wait to snorkel, and see the countless array of sea life. It never ceases to amaze me. I would be happy if I don't see a shark or barracuda however. I can't wait to have a week with no worries. I can't wait to eat incredibly delicious food. I'm grateful that my parents are able to come and stay with my kids. I'm grateful for neighbors who are helping out with carpools and such. I'm grateful for my kids being so supportive and excited for me. They are completely awesome. I'm completely anxious, nervous, stressed and excited all at the same time. I'm trying to relax and breathe, but it's not working very well. I may very well be up till late in the night. I can't believe it's finally here. Bon Voyage!!!!

Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T10:29:00.002-07:00

I do love Thanksgiving Day, and for some reason I was especially grateful today! Maybe it was because I've been focusing on what I'm grateful for all month. Maybe it was because Patrick was home which seemed to complete things. Maybe it was because I was leaving for a cruise in 2 days. Maybe it was because we were all getting together as family and enjoying each others company and love. It was probably all these things combined. It doesn't really matter, but it was a wonderful day and weekend with my kids and family living here in AZ. I was so excited to eat a traditional Thanksgiving meal. I know it's the same every year, and many times I'm not all that excited about it, but I really couldn't wait to eat turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry jelly, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes and the closest imitation of my Grandma J's rolls. It was everything my mouth wanted and more. We also went around the table and shared with each other what we were grateful for. It got a little emotional, but it wouldn't be Thanksgiving Day without that. Yeah for Thanksgiving!!!!

Christmas

2008-11-26T11:39:00.004-07:00

I know Christmas isn't even here yet, but today with the Christmas tree up, lights on and the kids hanging ornaments I couldn't help but be grateful for Christmas and everything it means. I got a little teary eyed as I watched them, and then Tessa brought over one ornament that made me smile and cry at the same time. A sweet little silver frame with a picture of Mark and I with brand new baby Lucas. A new baby what a sweet thing. Showing Lucas his daddy who's gone, a heartbreaking thought. Being reminded of the real reason we celebrate Christmas - the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ - a "priceless" thing. I love what the feeling that this entire season brings. What a wonderful time of year.

Divine Intervention

2008-11-25T11:45:00.003-07:00

Happy Birthday Dad.

Okay so I'm sure it wasn't divine intervention exactly. This piece of furniture, which is a filing drawer, could have done some major damage to my body and prevented me from going on my cruise or at the very least made it not as fun to go on the cruise. I had one of those dumb moments when I had the big bottom drawer open looking for stuff and then opened the top drawer at the same time. I'm sure may of you've experienced this same phenomenon. The entire unit at this point falls forward with all the weight from the drawers pulled out in front of it. Notice the decor on top. Unit is falling forward. I realize what is happening and try top push top drawer back in quickly, but it's still falling and everything on top is coming quickly to the front edge. I'm trying to catch stuff on top, not let the whole unit fall and not get hurt. My sister Diane is downstairs when all the crashing sounds start. She thinks I'm getting killed. I yell I'm okay, but I need help. I manage to stop the smell good stick thingy with my leg. So I'm smelling really good, and luckily the oil didn't get all over my important papers. I also manage to stop one of the large candlesticks with my face. CRAP that hurt. "Did that leave a mark?" (from Tommy Boy for those who've seen it.) Everything else fell, but luckily, the rest of my body went unharmed. All was set aright, and I truly was grateful that it wasn't worse. With the way my cheek hurt after that candlestick hit me, I thought I was going to have a good ole black mark. It hurt for the next few days, but it never did discolor. Go figure. I was more worried that my favorite sweats were going to permanently smell like that oil, but even that came out in the wash. Yeah.

Hot Tub

2008-11-24T23:17:00.007-07:00

This picture actually taken in August when Patrick was visiting. Love this picture and they're in the hot tub!!

Tonight the kids and I went out after dinner and sat in the hot tub. We were sitting in the dark, the cold cool air blowing slightly and having the best time. The kids ended up getting too hot and went inside. I stayed out for a few minutes more. Just listening to the sounds around me and letting the heat of the water sooth my body. The hot tub is positioned right next to the pool and slightly higher. I was sitting at the spillway to the pool, watching the water ripple with the breeze and the light from the pool seemed to dance across the surface. The stars were bright and the sky so clear. There were crickets singing a soothing song. I was paying close attention to my breathing and letting every breath I took register in my brain. It was cathartic. I wish I could do things like that more often. They're very good for the soul. I'm so glad it is working!!! (The hot tub that is.)

My Voice

2008-11-23T23:36:00.001-07:00

I've been practicing for our ward choir and stake choir Christmas programs on the past three Sundays. I love singing and there's nothing better than singing beautiful music in celebration of the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. My sister is singing with me in the stake choir. We both have low enough voices to sing the tenor part, and they needed more tenors than altos. One of the songs we sang yesterday for the first time was "Sleep, Little Lamb." The men's part was so moving, and I was really grateful that I got to sing with them. It was deep and tender and such a sweet message. I love singing in the car with the kids, I love singing in choirs, I love that I was able to sing to Mark on the day we got married. I'm grateful that I can sing.

Sports

2008-11-22T22:54:00.007-07:00

So the big game didn't end the way I'd hoped, but it sure made for a fun day. I was excited and ribbing Utah fans all day, but luckily not bad enough that they could rub my face in the loss. My only sadness came in the fact I couldn't watch it, but then again, maybe it was better that I didn't see it. There's nothing like a good rivalry. I still loves the coug's and will till the day I day. I can so picture Mark's reaction and disappointment in the game. He loved BYU football so much.

I took my kids, minus Lucas-plus T's friend, to a Suns game tonight. It was really fun. The kids were so excited and it was a pretty good game against the Trailblazers. Of course the favorite part of the night was the "Human Slinky" at half time. It was a fun day with a sports theme, so I was grateful for it.

Books

2008-11-21T23:56:00.004-07:00

I am grateful for a good book. Right now I'm especially grateful for this book and the series. I loved each and every minute of reading it. It was great to be lost in the crazy fantasy of a love story between a vampire and a mortal. I have a Facebook button that reads "Instead of Prince with a Horse, I want a Vampire with a Volvo." I would so take an Edward right now. As you can see in the pix, I went with my sister, her daughter and our friend that got us in to this special showing. We wore our I {heart} Edward t-shirts. I think we were looking sassy. They had gifts and raffles and it was a whole theater full of women from 13 to probably 60. It was great. So much fun and silly. It's great to be young for a night.

Mindfullness

2008-11-20T22:24:00.000-07:00

Feeling

2008-11-19T22:20:00.002-07:00

I digress a little, because I really wasn't thankful for anything today. In fact, I was mad, hurt, angry, frustrated, confused but not grateful. I haven't been in this much pain since the day the doctor told us Mark had cancer. I think on that day my heart was torn in two, and it became frozen in time. I think I thought my heart was always going to remain in this frozen state of nothingness, but it was clear today that my heart is still broken to the very core. This was one of the worst days of my life and there's no explanation why. So as this day bore on and I was trying to think of what I could be grateful for in the middle of all this pain, I realized that at least I have feeling. If I can feel this much pain and sorrow then at least I'm alive and kicking. I know I have something of substance to contribute to the world. I have hope that this feeling will go away. I wish that no one ever had to have these kinds of feelings, but as long as the world keeps turning it's bound to happen.

Smells

2008-11-18T20:20:00.003-07:00

I know at first this might sound a little scary, but bare/bear with me. I have this baby powder that my friend gave me when Mark (and I) was going to law school. I rarely use powder, especially this one. I think this line was closing out back when my friend gave it to me, so I probably couldn't ever find it again. Therefore, I use it sparingly, because I love the smell, and it brings up so many memories. When I shake it into my hands and the smell rises up to my nose, I am instantly back in our apartment at Stanford. I can picture standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes. I can picture the courtyard with the swings, trees and grass. Faces of sweet friends and their children pass through my mind. Memories of some amazing times in my life with Mark. There are specific smells that do that for me. They might induce a different memory of a different time and place, and I love that. I'm grateful that the sense of smell can bring with it so many memories.

Imagination

2008-11-17T22:07:00.007-07:00

My sweet new friend came over to help me with some stuff today and her little girl and Lucas had the best time. They put on swim goggles and were pretend swimming on the trampoline. You can see that Diva #3 (as she's known on her own blog) is holding her breath under the water while she's swimming. Hilarious! They were both using their arms to swim, swim, swim. I love the imagination of a child. They are so creative. It was so fun to see them play and work things out through the day. I'm so grateful for children, for the opportunity to watch them imagine and grow. It's so simple and yet so fulfilling to stop and take in the wonder of a child. I'm also grateful for my friend who's talent to sort, organize and throw away helped me accomplish so much today.

Music

2008-11-16T21:55:00.004-07:00

The day started with music. The ward choir held practice at my house. And the day pretty much ended with music. I went to stake choir practice. All the time in between was filled with music. There was a solo musical number in Sacrament Meeting, a primary song was played to introduce the Gospel Doctrine lesson, and a there was a duet in Relief Society. We sang in the van on the way to church. I sang by myself, with abandon of course, on the way to stake choir practice. I love music. I love to sing. I love the way a song can move me to tears for no particular reason. It's not just the words of a song that touch me. It's a feeling. I remember a particular time hearing a song that I'd never heard before and I was crying almost instantly. It touched the very core of my soul. It can be gospel, country, pop, instrumental it doesn't matter. I know my spirit is moved by music. Mark wanted me to sing at his funeral, and I just couldn't, but it makes me happy to know he can hear me sing all the time now. I'm so grateful for a voice to sing the music, ears to hear the music and a heart to feel the music.

My life

2008-11-15T23:01:00.006-07:00

Today was good and busy from the moment I woke up and it's not even ending until the early hours of tomorrow. Going nonstop the entire day. I'm finishing late at a scrap booking crop with some friends and family. I talked with a good friend. I had my dad's help cutting dead stuff out of the yard. I got to see my brother and spend time with him. I took my kids to our neighborhood block party and met some more neighbors. On the way to the crop I was listening to a song about believing in who I am, believing in what I'm doing, and "that I'm a daughter of God." And I just knew that was what I was grateful for today. Not just that I am a daughter of God, but that I KNOW it!

Legs

2008-11-14T20:10:00.004-07:00

So yesterday, I spent a fair amount of time jumping on the trampoline with Lucas. I usually don't venture onto the tramp, because well it's not always the safest place for me. Anyway, jumping uses muscles in your legs that you don't normally use, so I could really feel those leg muscles today. Being so aware of my legs today, made me realize just how grateful I am for them. Even when they're a pain in the but, literally. Yes these are my pj's and they feel good on my legs. Oh and just in case your wondering, today was a great day.

Bad days

2008-11-13T17:50:00.005-07:00

Not sure why they happen. I can't plan for them. The one constant is knowing that they will happen, but tomorrow is a new day. For me it's as if every thought I can possibly have come together like a tornado in my brain. I go from optimistic to despair all in the same breath. I just have to ride these days out, because I know a better day is on the horizon. I can't really take a picture of a bad day, but this comes close. If you're grateful for the bad days then the good days are going to seem even better, right?

Sunsets

2008-11-12T21:36:00.002-07:00

This isn't the first amazing sunset I've seen here in Arizona, and I know it won't be the last. And yet, each and every one is different in it's beauty.

Movies

2008-11-11T22:33:00.004-07:00

I love movies. But I especially love a really funny, clean movie that I can take my kids to and have a great time. I laughed and enjoyed myself with some abandon today, and I am grateful for that. But that being said I cannot end this day without expressing my eternal gratitude to all Veterans that this day honors. I wish I could thank them personally for the freedoms I enjoy, because of their service. What I blessing we have everday to be free. Free to choose what we can do, support, believe and be.

My Bed

2008-11-10T22:25:00.002-07:00

For no real physical reason, I was so tired today, and by the time the day was over I couldn't wait to get in my bed. I love my bed. It's comfy. It's pretty to me. It revives me. But even more than that, I have a bed. Honestly, I know I am blessed to have a bed to sleep on, and I am so grateful for that fact. I take for granted so many things, so I'm really trying to see some things for what they are and how lucky I am to have them.

Rain

2008-11-09T22:19:00.000-07:00

A big loud thunderstorm was booming outside during our Relief Society lesson today. I wanted to go watch and listen and take in the smell. There's something about a rainstorm that just excites me. Maybe it's the power behind the thunder and lightening and the slight chance of danger. There's also the fact that we need it. Every living thing needs the rain for survival, so maybe it's peace that it brings. All I know is I'm grateful for every drop and I never get tired of the smell of rain.

Nature

2008-11-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

Today we went hiking with another family. We also had our first geocaching experience. Way fun! It was amazing to be out in our shorts in November. The hike was simple, perfect for the little legs. I am awed by the beauty that can be found in the world. It's so different from Utah, but absolutely breathtaking just the same. We saw a few lizards on our way, and a few other bugs. The variety of cactus are so interesting. I just think its amazing the variety God has given us in the world. I am always in awe at the beauty of all His creations. I'm so grateful for all that I have seen and enjoyed. I hope I can see even more.

Pedicures

2008-11-07T22:08:00.002-07:00

I decided I had had enough of my dagger like toenails. (I know I could cut them myself, but where's the joy in that.) I wanted to sit there in a chair for an hour without thinking and let someone pamper me, and I did, and it was joy. I invited my sweet sister (SS) who luckily was free to join me on this outing. Let me tell you it was AWESOME! I even became extra sassy when it came time to choose my nail color. I went with BLACK. Oh yes I did. And I think it looks fabulous. Seriously though, I can't be grateful for sappy things every day. I am not ashamed to say that occasionally I treat myself to a pedicure, and I'm really grateful for the cute ladies who are willing to trim my toenails, slough off the dead skin and massage my calves. Oooooh it felt sooooo good! The only thing that could make it better is if I was in my bed, so when they're done I can just drift off to sleep.

Time

2008-11-06T19:34:00.001-07:00

Mark received this fortune (statement of truth really) from a cookie when he was dying of cancer. We looked at each other and both knew it's truth. Every day that I get another chance to be a better mother, person, and daughter of God is something I am grateful for. Each minute I laugh or cry is a minute I know I'm alive and kicking. As much as my heart aches for Mark, I want to continue living. I have so much to learn. I desire to give. My children need me, and I need them. Time also heals, and I am so grateful for that. One of my most favorite quotes I share with my kids all the time is: If you run so fast to get somewhere, you miss half the fun of getting there. I am trying to live and enjoy each "present" moment of time.

Family

2008-11-05T09:44:00.002-07:00

Happy Birthday Mom. In the last 3 days there have been 4 birthdays in our family. And in addition to that I've been able to talk with Patrick numerous times and then work on a project for another family member. It just made me realize how wonderfully full my life is because of my family. The love and gratitude I have for my ENTIRE family is beyond words. The great thing about family is they are always there no matter what. Distance sometimes comes between us, but the it doesn't lessen the strength of the bond. Family will drop anything for you. They laugh with you. They cry with you. They might even get angry with you, but in the end they still love you. I am so blessed.

The Savior-Jesus Christ & my Father in Heaven

2008-11-04T22:13:00.003-07:00

I've always been grateful for Christ and his atoning sacrifice, but as the day finished I felt the need to reacquaint myself with the magnitude of his love for me. I was feeling uneasy and fearful, and then someone shared with me some recent words from Elder Packard. His words were something to the effect that God is watching, and that he is aware. This isn't new but it was definitely something I needed to remember. I am grateful for the knowledge that God is aware, and has been from the beginning. I am grateful that he sent his Son, Jesus Christ to die for me and all mankind, so we can be saved from our sins and have eternal life. With that knowledge I cannot allow myself to fear. I must take courage in their love for me and the entire world. I know that God lives. I know that the Savior died for me. I am grateful for that knowledge and the peace it brings.

Lucas

2008-11-03T21:37:00.003-07:00

Three wonderful years ago, Lucas Mark Clements came into the world. Happy Birthday my little Indiana Jones. I am forever grateful that Mark felt there was another spirit waiting to come to our family. Little did any of us know just how important a part Lucas would play in bringing joy and healing to our home. He has been an antidote for grief. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. Not a day goes by that I don't realize what a blessing he is to our family.

Friends

2008-11-02T18:40:00.002-07:00

Many things happened today to focus my gratitude on friends. It was my dear friends birthday and I was thinking of her all day. Also, Chase had taken a trip to Utah this weekend and when I picked him up tonight he told about seeing so many of our sweet friends from Draper. I cried. I miss them. I have thought about the many friends I have had in my life. Some I've kept in touch with, some I haven't. Either way, each one has been a blessing to me at that particular time in my life. Being in a new place, I look forward to making new friends. I can only hope that I have been the same kind of friend to all those I am grateful for today.

America

2008-11-01T12:10:00.001-07:00

Today I had cause to feel an overwhelming love and gratitude for this beautiful country in which I am blessed to live. With this very controversial election right around the corner, I realize what an amazing privilege it is to vote and to have the freedoms we enjoy. I am grateful for those who have fought in the past for the freedoms we enjoy, and for those who continue to fight for our country. God bless the USA!!

A Month of Gratitude!

2008-11-01T10:14:00.001-07:00

So I know I haven't posted in FOREVER, let's all just agree and move forward.

I saw this idea/challenge in the Creating Keepsakes Nov 2008 issue about being aware through the entire month of the things I'm grateful for. Originally I was going to do it as scrapbook layout, and I still may. In case I never get around to scrapbooking it; however, I've decided to journal it here.

Hello!

2008-07-31T10:44:00.004-07:00

Well, we've made it! What a whirlwind of a couple of weeks: packers, movers, goodbyes, driving, lifting, heat, swimming, cancelling service, starting service, no phone, no power, register for new schools, find sheets = STRESS! Even with all this and more, it's been fun, we're all excited and the kids have been amazing. We already miss everyone in Utah, but we have been loved immediately by new friends in Arizona. So many people really are amazingly kind and good. I said I would try and do better at posting even if it's just to give a quick little update.

Hello family. Hello new friends. Hello Arizona. Hello pool! Hello home.

Goodbye...

2008-07-22T00:32:00.001-07:00

I'm in a bit of shock and unbelief that this moment is here. I'm sitting in a house full of boxes. It's surreal that I will be leaving this house in less than 72 hours. I haven't allowed myself to be sad at leaving OUR home, OUR friends or OUR memories. I know it's the right thing to do. I've felt peace and comfort many times. I've also been blessed by so many things going right. I'm sorry for those of you who have been in the dark. Trying to sale this house was a big chore and many things have been keeping me busy since I last wrote four long months ago.

The tears are flowing freely now as I write the truth. I'm leaving. I'm starting fresh so to speak. I feel like I'm saying goodbye to Mark all over again. Even though I know it's a good thing, the pain is not gone. I still miss my best friend. It hasn't gotten any easier when different events happen and the reality of him not being here slaps me so abruptly in the face. And yet, I KNOW that he is here helping me. I know that Mark has been behind me in this decision. But as I sit here in the quiet of the night, listening to the familiar sounds of this house I know so well, my heart hurts. I try to take it all in, and soak up all the memories of this house. I never want to forget, but I'm afraid I will. I can't say more.

Our dear sweet friends are hosting an Open House Farewell for our family on Friday, July 25th from 6:00-8:00pm. The location is in our home's same circle, house #1644. We would love to say goodbye to those who can make it.

We will never be able to thank any of you enough for all the love you have given to our family. We have been very blessed, and I pray that each of you will be blessed beyond measure for the unselfish service and charity you have given. I will try to do a better job at keeping this blog updated. I hope you will keep in touch with us as well.

Goodbye friends. Goodbye family. Goodbye Draper. Goodbye Utah.
Goodbye home.

Happy Easter!

2008-03-23T19:30:00.007-07:00

So, today is Easter and my birthday. Very strange. I'm certain that's never happened before. I'm sitting in a hotel in Montana. I just got back from eating dinner by myself at Applebees. It was very yummy. I took my time eating and enjoying my food. I also noticed many people glancing my way. I'm sure they were wondering why a lone woman would be out to dinner by herself on Easter. I found it very amusing. I had a very nice meal and I came back to the hotel to pig out on my Blondie Brownie Sundae. They are so good. Tomorrow I'll see Patrick. I'm so looking forward to seeing him. After the parent conference workshop days, Patrick will be able to come with me for the weekend. We are both excited for this time together. He has just advanced to Sun Clan, which he was able to call and tell me about on Saturday. I could tell he was very proud of his accomplishment. I was very happy for him as well.

Much has been happening for me, and I'm not doing a very good job at recording it. I think that part of the roadblock for me comes from the fact that my journal is public. I like that it's public, because I hope that by sharing I might be helping someone else. I know I like to know that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. Every time someone writes to me or calls me and relates to something I've written, it makes me feel normal. Maybe it makes them feel normal too. On the other hand, because this is so public, I don't share because I'm afraid of what people will think, or that they'll misinterpret what I'm saying.

I have made a big decision with the kids over the last couple of months. We have just put our house on the market. I'm going to move to Arizona. I'm very excited for the move. We pondered and prayed about it and we felt it was the right thing for us. My sister's family and my mom and dad both live there. My sister is my best friend next to Mark, so I think it's a good thing. I didn't want to make the move if the kids were going to be upset about it, but they are on board and excited too. We are sad to leave all our sweet family and all our wonderful friends. I'd like to share a quote about losing your spouse from the book I've been reading called "Widow to Widow."

----"I used to have a Psychology Professor who periodically punctuated his explanations of the human condition with "Nothing is forever." No one knows that better than the widow, because suddenly nothing is the same. Change comes with a jolt and a crash, and like an earthquake, never quite settles back into its original place."----

Even though I do believe in a FOREVER, in this mortal life the above statement is so profoundly true. Our life has been shaken and jolted and it will never settle back to its original place. I have to make a life now for me and the kids that works for me and them. This doesn't mean I won't continue to think about Mark everyday of my life and wish upon every star that I might see him in my dreams or feel his presence, but I do have to live now without him. He and I had discussed this very possibility. He had asked me what I would do when he was gone. Would I stay in this house forever? Would I pay it off? Would I downsize? Would I move to Arizona? I told him that I might move there someday, when the kids were older. He sort of figured I would, and thought it was a wise decision. I know that I have felt his support as well as the Lord's in making this decision.

This might be the other reason that I don't journal very often. Every time I do, I'm writing an epistle. I'm so exhausted that I can't imagine sitting down again and doing this tomorrow. Maybe I need to focus on some of the lighter stuff. I really need to write down more of the great stuff that the kids are doing. They are so amazing. I know Mark is very proud of all they are doing. Till next time. Hopefully it's sooner than later. :)

Welcome to My Blog

2008-03-05T00:34:00.002-07:00

It took me forever! That's the perfectionist in me, but I'm happy with it. I still want to catch up on everything that's happened over the last couple of months. There's some pretty important stuff I want to remember, but once I posted the scrapbook album, I just couldn't do it. I posted a few things earlier on this site before I had it up and running. (see below)

A lot of things have been much harder now that I'm in the second year without Mark. I'm not even sure how to put it into words. It's kind of like I'm self destructing. I'm not getting enough sleep. I'm having horrible dreams. I'm not really eating very good. I've got a million things I feel like I need and want to do, but I'm only doing the absolute necessities. My kids are my top priority. I'm trying to be a good mom, but for every good thing I do I can easily find something at which I'm failing. I'm really good at that. I'm working on it. I'm too tired to keep writing. My brain can't stay focused.

"Fwo Fwup" and "Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho"

2008-03-04T19:01:00.001-07:00

Back in November, a friend of mine who graduated in Speech Pathology, suggested that I might want to have Lucas' hearing tested, because he wasn't saying very many words. Now I knew he was behind, but with everything else, I just hadn't been overly worried. He might not have had very many coherant words, but he talked up a storm of his very own made up language. While I was waiting for the testing, I was working harder with Lucas and he had already started to add more words. He passed all of the hearing tests, so they set up a speech therapist to come work with Lucas every other week. She has only come 5 times, and she's sad because he's doing so great that she won't need to keep coming.

That was a little background for you/journaling for myself. So now he's talking all the time, and most things are very clear. Tonight however he kept saying "fwo fwup." Chase and I were both baffled. We had sat down to eat, so I looked at everything to try and figure out what could be "fwo fwup," but to no avail. We moved on to eating and he forgot about whatever it was. When we were finished eating, I told the kids that as soon as the dishes were done and they finished the last bit of homework, we could watch a half hour of the new "Sponge Bob Square Pants" cartoon. At that announcement, Lucas shouted with pure joy, "FWO FWUP!" How Sponge Bob equals Fwo Fwup I have no idea, but both Lucas and the rest of us couldn't have been more excited to be understanding each other.

Lucas also came walking up the stairs later this evening saying "ho, ho, ho." Of course I thought he must have found something resembling a Santa Clause, but for the life of me, I couldn't imagine anything we had that would appear to be a Jolly Old St. Nick. When he appeared at the landing with a pirate ship, I was floored. He was singing, "ho, ho...ho, ho. (a pirates life for me)." Now I know we've been to Disneyland and Lucas has watched the Pirates of the Carribean movies, but he was only 20 months at our last trip to Disneyland and they really don't sing that song in the Pirates movies all that much. Needless to say, it was the cutest thing as he sailed that little ship (from Chase's nautical room) through the air saying, "ho, ho...ho, ho" over and over. We all went down and got out the boxed up Playmobile pirate island and pirate ship, and played pirates together before bedtime. It was really fun. It brought back some great memories for me. Patrick received the pirate island for Christmas from his Grandpa Ray back when we were at Stanford. I remember and have pictures of Mark, Gpa Ray and Patrick putting all the pieces together (and there's lots of tiny intricate pieces.)

I'm on a roll so I better not stop. I went with my dear friend Mary Ann to see the movie "The Other Bolyn Girl." It was surprisingly heavy, and emotionally packed. I am intrigued to learn more about this story in history. If what the movie portrayed is true, it was a such a tragic tale. It's hard to imagine that kind of plotting and manipulation to get gain in society. Oh wait, I guess it's not that hard to imagine given our world and the justifications of pretty much anyone in power. I would still choose to be living now rather than in that time period however. I was pretty emotional the rest of the day. I'm not sure why it affected me this way.

A Little Drama

2008-02-29T21:17:00.000-07:00

After school, Chase noticed that Princess' cage was open. That is Tessa's hampster. He asked if Tessa had her. Which I was sure the answer was "no." Lucas was the likely culprit. We don't know when she got out, but I was pretty certain we were never going to see Princess again. Tessa and two of her friends were looking in corners, and under piles of clothes. Piles of clothes? Yes, my kids have piles, much to my frustration and dismay. Well, fortunately, Princess found the pajama pile in Tessa's closet particularly comfy. It was lucky that Tessa didn't smash her as she grabbed the front of the pile. With that one move, she revealed Princess in deep slumber; which allowed Tess to pick Princess up with no chasing, screaming or trapping.

A little drama that had a happy ending!